Some lines from William Blake:
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And Heaven in a Wild Flower;
To hold infinity in the Palm of your Hand
And Eternity in an Hour
***
He who binds to himself a joy
Doth the winged life destroy.
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in Eternity's sunrise
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
An End to Fear
An overly ambitious title! I arrived in this country on such a high, dreams and imaginations filled my mind and even the first weeks grueling training couldn't suppress my joy. The moment I stepped into my apartment though and the manager who showed me to it closed the door I was overcome with fear and loneliness. One way or another these two feelings have predominated in my experiences in Japan so far. No matter how many wonderful things I have done or great people I have met the overwhelming feeling has been one of depression and fear and misery.
Now that is starting to lift! Have you been depressed, dear reader? I imagine you have, as most of us have at one time or another. The lifting of that veil is itself a frightening process. It is scary to let go of feeling bad all the time. To contemplate the fact that perhaps the joy you are looking for is already present in this moment. It is raining in Saitama Prefecture right now. How can I put into words the beauty of rain in Japan. Rain that doesnt flit in and flit out but sets in and pours down for hours and days at a time. Rain that truly deserves to be called rain.
I have been grieving the end of my long term relationship for three weeks now. Three weeks are nothing really when compared to the many years of my life I am trying to come to terms of. In many ways this is just the beginning. At the same time the intensity of the grief is getting less. I am starting to feel more secure in myself. In the last week I have even experienced extended feelings of joy and contentedness even amidst the work week. Twice this week I went to bed before midnight. Simple things like this are quite unfamiliar to me. I am beginning to think I might actually be able to enjoy my life here. I am so used to thinking myself into all kinds of traps which take me away from the lived experience of each day. I search for epic projects which will overwhelm my time and capacity to just sit and read a novel for the sheer pleasure of it. I am reading Harry Potter now. The guilt I feel just sitting and reading in the morning, despite the fact that I have nothing more pressing to do, is intense. Emails I might vaguely want to write press on my mind as if they are matters of life and death and I am a bad person for sitting with my book instead.
Ha! I will defeat you guilty conscience! I have nothing particular to do here in Japan, everything is up to me. I am free. I am even learning, somehow, to enjoy work! Something I never thought I could say and something which itself scares me quite a bit. Yet I have many beautiful children with whom to play English language games and a mass of interesting people from whom I can learn different things about life.
Perhaps this is the most vague and rambling of my posts so far! I know not. All I know is I had to give voice to the joy which threatens to infest my heart. Pure and simple joy of living.
Now that is starting to lift! Have you been depressed, dear reader? I imagine you have, as most of us have at one time or another. The lifting of that veil is itself a frightening process. It is scary to let go of feeling bad all the time. To contemplate the fact that perhaps the joy you are looking for is already present in this moment. It is raining in Saitama Prefecture right now. How can I put into words the beauty of rain in Japan. Rain that doesnt flit in and flit out but sets in and pours down for hours and days at a time. Rain that truly deserves to be called rain.
I have been grieving the end of my long term relationship for three weeks now. Three weeks are nothing really when compared to the many years of my life I am trying to come to terms of. In many ways this is just the beginning. At the same time the intensity of the grief is getting less. I am starting to feel more secure in myself. In the last week I have even experienced extended feelings of joy and contentedness even amidst the work week. Twice this week I went to bed before midnight. Simple things like this are quite unfamiliar to me. I am beginning to think I might actually be able to enjoy my life here. I am so used to thinking myself into all kinds of traps which take me away from the lived experience of each day. I search for epic projects which will overwhelm my time and capacity to just sit and read a novel for the sheer pleasure of it. I am reading Harry Potter now. The guilt I feel just sitting and reading in the morning, despite the fact that I have nothing more pressing to do, is intense. Emails I might vaguely want to write press on my mind as if they are matters of life and death and I am a bad person for sitting with my book instead.
Ha! I will defeat you guilty conscience! I have nothing particular to do here in Japan, everything is up to me. I am free. I am even learning, somehow, to enjoy work! Something I never thought I could say and something which itself scares me quite a bit. Yet I have many beautiful children with whom to play English language games and a mass of interesting people from whom I can learn different things about life.
Perhaps this is the most vague and rambling of my posts so far! I know not. All I know is I had to give voice to the joy which threatens to infest my heart. Pure and simple joy of living.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Shibuya and Harajuku with Tim and Fi
Last weekend (Oct 11-13) I was lucky enough to have a visit from Tim and Fi who my devoted readers first encountered at Nozawa Onsen. On their way home to Australia they stopped in for a dance and general exploration of Tokyo. They couldn't have come at a better time as I really needed people to talk to and I really needed to go out and have some fun. And fun was had by all!
On Saturday night after work we went into Koenji and had a very pleasant drink and snacks at a small izakaya where we could sit outside. The streets of Koenji are small and windy and full of small shops and interesting people so just hanging out and watching the world go by is an experience. Despite the fact that I haven't really had a relationship with Tim since primary school and I had only just met Fi they were very supportive and helped me to come to terms with my grief. At the same time we could talk about lots of positive things too and reflect on the experience of being in Japan. They have been here a lot longer than me but also in a very different way so we all had different aspects of the experience to bring together and reflect upon.
We headed to a small bar which is part of 'Amateur Riot' and had another drink before catching the last train back to Niiza. This small bar is really cool and has a really interesting feel. The guy behind the bar on Saturday night, Jeremy, lives in Koenji and speaks fluent Japanese. I have been wanting to get over there and hang out with him for ages but one thing or another kept coming up so I am glad I finally had the chance.
On Sunday morning we had a delicious breakfast at home and then headed into the city. Finding lockers for their stuff in Shibuya station was not easy and all the large one's were taken so we just made musical instruments out of them instead. Then we headed over to Harajuku to find Yoyogi park and see all the interesting people who hang out there. Unfortunately we took a wrong turn, missed the entrance by about 50 metres and spent nearly 2 hours wandering through the garden of Meiji shrine, managing to do a complete circuit of Yoyogi park without encountering it.
Of course, the gardens are beautiful - a grand forest in the middle of Tokyo but the huge crowds of tourists weren't really the people we came to watch. At long last after a circuit which took me past the location of my orientation camp when I first came to Japan at the old Olympic village we found the park entrance.
First we passed the homeless people's tent village and found our first port of call - a cup of tea at the barter cafe. Two artists live in the tent village and have done for 5 years. They run a barter cafe on the weekends. I was able to swap some Australian animal key rings for my cup of tea and cake while Tim and Fi put on a performance involving juggling and playing some interesting hand-held percussion instruments they found at a hippie festival. We were entertained by a man from Shibuya who told us all kinds of anecdotes and gave us Japanese names.
True to form the park itself was awesome and full of people hanging out, playing musical instruments, practicing dance moves, juggling and getting up to all sorts of high jinks. Tim and Fi joined the jugglers and were able to borrow various pieces of equipment. I went and had a tai chi practice next to them as I can't juggle. We wandered around a bit in Harajuku and looked at some cool little clothes shops before meeting up with Matt (a teacher I met during my trainign) and heading over to Shibuya. The destination was a club called Module which was having a Drum 'n' Bass night. I'm not familiar with Drum 'n' Bass but Tim and Fi are into it and I am keen to expand my musical horizons.
It was awesome. I thought some of the music was pretty ordinary while parts of it were really good. More importantly though I was able to dance and dance and let go of some of the tension which has been building up inside me ever since C and I separated. Chikako from my work came along as well and brought a friend. She isn't a regular club goer but after a while she started dancing too. I love it when people start to enjoy dancing, we all need to dance! The club itself was small but just the right size really for the crowd although it did get very hot. After the music finished Tim and Fi and I headed out to experience the night in Shibuya. It finished at 11pm so there was plenty of time. We went shopping in a discount store called Don Quixote and then sat near the Hachiko entrance to Shibuya station and drank, chatted and watched the people moving all around us. There are so many people in Shibuya! Although by 4 am it was looking distinctly empty, noone crossing at the big crossing. 
After that we went to try and find a bar I have been to once but unfortunately it was closed so we just got some more beers at a convenience store and drank them on the street. We checked out love hotels for a cheap nights accommodation but they didn't seem so cheap, especially when you are comparing an internet cafe which costs next to nothing. We found a yaki-niku restaurant which had cheap beer and I promptly fell asleep (it was pretty late). Eventually Tim and Fi managed to wake me and we wandered around trying to find an internet cafe to have a rest in. Eventually we found one but all the men's seats were taken. After much wandering around deciding what to do we went back there, Fi took a place and Tim and I sat in the waiting area. You pay a basic hourly rate even to sit in the waiting area but it includes access to the drink bar and soft serve icecream. I knew that what I needed after being up all night, drinking, eating grilled meat and dancing was two soft serve icecreams so I ate them and felt horribly sick. A place came up pretty quickly but it was nearly time for the first train so I deferred to Tim and headed home to bed.
Thanks Tim and Fi and Matt and Chikako and Ayako!
On Saturday night after work we went into Koenji and had a very pleasant drink and snacks at a small izakaya where we could sit outside. The streets of Koenji are small and windy and full of small shops and interesting people so just hanging out and watching the world go by is an experience. Despite the fact that I haven't really had a relationship with Tim since primary school and I had only just met Fi they were very supportive and helped me to come to terms with my grief. At the same time we could talk about lots of positive things too and reflect on the experience of being in Japan. They have been here a lot longer than me but also in a very different way so we all had different aspects of the experience to bring together and reflect upon.
We headed to a small bar which is part of 'Amateur Riot' and had another drink before catching the last train back to Niiza. This small bar is really cool and has a really interesting feel. The guy behind the bar on Saturday night, Jeremy, lives in Koenji and speaks fluent Japanese. I have been wanting to get over there and hang out with him for ages but one thing or another kept coming up so I am glad I finally had the chance.
On Sunday morning we had a delicious breakfast at home and then headed into the city. Finding lockers for their stuff in Shibuya station was not easy and all the large one's were taken so we just made musical instruments out of them instead. Then we headed over to Harajuku to find Yoyogi park and see all the interesting people who hang out there. Unfortunately we took a wrong turn, missed the entrance by about 50 metres and spent nearly 2 hours wandering through the garden of Meiji shrine, managing to do a complete circuit of Yoyogi park without encountering it.
Of course, the gardens are beautiful - a grand forest in the middle of Tokyo but the huge crowds of tourists weren't really the people we came to watch. At long last after a circuit which took me past the location of my orientation camp when I first came to Japan at the old Olympic village we found the park entrance.
First we passed the homeless people's tent village and found our first port of call - a cup of tea at the barter cafe. Two artists live in the tent village and have done for 5 years. They run a barter cafe on the weekends. I was able to swap some Australian animal key rings for my cup of tea and cake while Tim and Fi put on a performance involving juggling and playing some interesting hand-held percussion instruments they found at a hippie festival. We were entertained by a man from Shibuya who told us all kinds of anecdotes and gave us Japanese names.
True to form the park itself was awesome and full of people hanging out, playing musical instruments, practicing dance moves, juggling and getting up to all sorts of high jinks. Tim and Fi joined the jugglers and were able to borrow various pieces of equipment. I went and had a tai chi practice next to them as I can't juggle. We wandered around a bit in Harajuku and looked at some cool little clothes shops before meeting up with Matt (a teacher I met during my trainign) and heading over to Shibuya. The destination was a club called Module which was having a Drum 'n' Bass night. I'm not familiar with Drum 'n' Bass but Tim and Fi are into it and I am keen to expand my musical horizons.
It was awesome. I thought some of the music was pretty ordinary while parts of it were really good. More importantly though I was able to dance and dance and let go of some of the tension which has been building up inside me ever since C and I separated. Chikako from my work came along as well and brought a friend. She isn't a regular club goer but after a while she started dancing too. I love it when people start to enjoy dancing, we all need to dance! The club itself was small but just the right size really for the crowd although it did get very hot. After the music finished Tim and Fi and I headed out to experience the night in Shibuya. It finished at 11pm so there was plenty of time. We went shopping in a discount store called Don Quixote and then sat near the Hachiko entrance to Shibuya station and drank, chatted and watched the people moving all around us. There are so many people in Shibuya! Although by 4 am it was looking distinctly empty, noone crossing at the big crossing. After that we went to try and find a bar I have been to once but unfortunately it was closed so we just got some more beers at a convenience store and drank them on the street. We checked out love hotels for a cheap nights accommodation but they didn't seem so cheap, especially when you are comparing an internet cafe which costs next to nothing. We found a yaki-niku restaurant which had cheap beer and I promptly fell asleep (it was pretty late). Eventually Tim and Fi managed to wake me and we wandered around trying to find an internet cafe to have a rest in. Eventually we found one but all the men's seats were taken. After much wandering around deciding what to do we went back there, Fi took a place and Tim and I sat in the waiting area. You pay a basic hourly rate even to sit in the waiting area but it includes access to the drink bar and soft serve icecream. I knew that what I needed after being up all night, drinking, eating grilled meat and dancing was two soft serve icecreams so I ate them and felt horribly sick. A place came up pretty quickly but it was nearly time for the first train so I deferred to Tim and headed home to bed.
Thanks Tim and Fi and Matt and Chikako and Ayako!
 |
| Tim and Fi and Me in Tokyo |
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Life as Poetry
The sadness is welling up inside me again today. It is a quiet weekend and without the noise of the crowd to drown it out I am forced to be alone with my grief and self-doubt.
Life as poetry, I coined this title out of whimsy and a need to find a blog name that wasn't already taken! How little did I realise how true it would be.
I have been questioning myself a lot lately. In particular I am searching for my creativity, for my true life's work. I am a writer, I know that, and I write for myself and for others as the mood strikes me. More than that though I think it is my life itself which is my greatest work. I endeavor to use this life of mine to generate love all around me and in doing so I live my life as a love poem. So from now on I declare myself to be an artist. Life is my canvas and i will dance across it making great, broad strokes of love.
What pain love can bring though! Now all the old stanzas have to fall away and make space for a new chapter. Now I must learn to love again in new ways. I long to discover my own sexuality, my own loving, sexual, caring way of relating to people around me. I am so afraid of this journey, so unsure of where it will lead me. Free love? What is that? I know that for me free love meant choosing not to marry, even when I was sure I had found the love of my life. I cannot stand the idea of imposing any constituted relationship over the free flow of love and passion between two people. Despite the many changes in social norms about love, sex and marriage the mystical union of two people for life still holds great power. (Dear married readers, forgive me, I speak not of your journey or truth but of my own.) The closeness, the intimacy that comes from spending a decade with someone is a beautiful gift but it is fragile.
As this long year of painful separation draws to a close the northern Autumn is closing in. With it comes the premonition of winter and the final, cold severance of my old concept of myself. When the new year dawns I will gather my strength again and as I wait out the winter prepare myself to move once more, move across the surface of the earth.
***
It is later now and by keeping on moving the day's pain has largely passed and been replace by a feeling of quiet satisfaction and happiness. C has really helped to show me in the last few years that the way to confront pain is not to stay home and wallow in misery but to move, get out, see your friends and stay active. I started the day with a long cycle ride and tai chi practice. I actually didn't get back to the house for nearly 3 hours. Then at long last I got home, ate something and finished drafting a proposal for a Masters thesis for next year. I met up with Risa in Kunitachi in the afternoon and had coffee and cake in the grounds of the university. It was nice to chat with someone I have known a little longer and we made plans for a last minute camping trip before the winter comes.
Then this evening I went into Shibuya and took my first dance class. Yay! It's a four week introductory course which demonstrates each of the eight latin styles. Today we did Tango and Rumba. It was so fun and so difficult. I felt like such a clutz but luckily I don't give a fuck! I'm determined to learn to dance well and I know that for someone as clumsy as me that is going to be hard but if I stick with it I can do it. I feel a little sorry for my partners who have little choice but to deal with my enormous frame and clumsy feet but there ain't nothing I can do about it! It's wonderful to feel like I know I look stupid and not to really care. One day I won't look stupid, I'll look sexy! I can't imagine how good it will feel to be able to go to a salsa party and ask someone to dance and be able to do it. I love psytrance dancing with its 'no rules' stomping dance but there is something very beautiful about a more structured form. I guess I think of it as being a bit like Tai Chi, the form exists to help the individual style to emerge. Furthermore, I am sure that dance will help make me a little less clumsy and that can only be a good thing.
It amazes me that in the space of one day I can feel so low and so high. Well, I don't think I feel high today but certainly happy. I feel like everything is going to be OK. I stopped in at Quintrix, the psytrance record shop in Shibuya on my way home and had a beer at the bar. I chatted with a few people, nicely rounding out the day. I want to go to a psytrance party next Saturday actually but I have to work Sunday so I'm not sure that I'll make it. Can I work 5 hours on 3 hours sleep? Hmmm... The following weekend D-Nox is coming to Tokyo!!!!! That is going to be an amazing night.
These are the ups and downs of my life in Tokyo.
Life as poetry, I coined this title out of whimsy and a need to find a blog name that wasn't already taken! How little did I realise how true it would be.
I have been questioning myself a lot lately. In particular I am searching for my creativity, for my true life's work. I am a writer, I know that, and I write for myself and for others as the mood strikes me. More than that though I think it is my life itself which is my greatest work. I endeavor to use this life of mine to generate love all around me and in doing so I live my life as a love poem. So from now on I declare myself to be an artist. Life is my canvas and i will dance across it making great, broad strokes of love.
What pain love can bring though! Now all the old stanzas have to fall away and make space for a new chapter. Now I must learn to love again in new ways. I long to discover my own sexuality, my own loving, sexual, caring way of relating to people around me. I am so afraid of this journey, so unsure of where it will lead me. Free love? What is that? I know that for me free love meant choosing not to marry, even when I was sure I had found the love of my life. I cannot stand the idea of imposing any constituted relationship over the free flow of love and passion between two people. Despite the many changes in social norms about love, sex and marriage the mystical union of two people for life still holds great power. (Dear married readers, forgive me, I speak not of your journey or truth but of my own.) The closeness, the intimacy that comes from spending a decade with someone is a beautiful gift but it is fragile.
As this long year of painful separation draws to a close the northern Autumn is closing in. With it comes the premonition of winter and the final, cold severance of my old concept of myself. When the new year dawns I will gather my strength again and as I wait out the winter prepare myself to move once more, move across the surface of the earth.
***
It is later now and by keeping on moving the day's pain has largely passed and been replace by a feeling of quiet satisfaction and happiness. C has really helped to show me in the last few years that the way to confront pain is not to stay home and wallow in misery but to move, get out, see your friends and stay active. I started the day with a long cycle ride and tai chi practice. I actually didn't get back to the house for nearly 3 hours. Then at long last I got home, ate something and finished drafting a proposal for a Masters thesis for next year. I met up with Risa in Kunitachi in the afternoon and had coffee and cake in the grounds of the university. It was nice to chat with someone I have known a little longer and we made plans for a last minute camping trip before the winter comes.
Then this evening I went into Shibuya and took my first dance class. Yay! It's a four week introductory course which demonstrates each of the eight latin styles. Today we did Tango and Rumba. It was so fun and so difficult. I felt like such a clutz but luckily I don't give a fuck! I'm determined to learn to dance well and I know that for someone as clumsy as me that is going to be hard but if I stick with it I can do it. I feel a little sorry for my partners who have little choice but to deal with my enormous frame and clumsy feet but there ain't nothing I can do about it! It's wonderful to feel like I know I look stupid and not to really care. One day I won't look stupid, I'll look sexy! I can't imagine how good it will feel to be able to go to a salsa party and ask someone to dance and be able to do it. I love psytrance dancing with its 'no rules' stomping dance but there is something very beautiful about a more structured form. I guess I think of it as being a bit like Tai Chi, the form exists to help the individual style to emerge. Furthermore, I am sure that dance will help make me a little less clumsy and that can only be a good thing.
It amazes me that in the space of one day I can feel so low and so high. Well, I don't think I feel high today but certainly happy. I feel like everything is going to be OK. I stopped in at Quintrix, the psytrance record shop in Shibuya on my way home and had a beer at the bar. I chatted with a few people, nicely rounding out the day. I want to go to a psytrance party next Saturday actually but I have to work Sunday so I'm not sure that I'll make it. Can I work 5 hours on 3 hours sleep? Hmmm... The following weekend D-Nox is coming to Tokyo!!!!! That is going to be an amazing night.
These are the ups and downs of my life in Tokyo.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Where Do I Start, Where Do I Begin
Sunday morning I'm waking up
Can't even focus on a coffee cup
Don't even know whose bed I'm in
Where do I start
Where do I begin
(The Private Psychedelic Reel, The Chemical Brothers)
Each morning I wake up with the pain of my separation from the greatest love I have ever known. And each morning the pain is getting less. Today is the first morning I haven't cried first thing in the morning, though I am sure that that will come. I am immersed in the question: who am I? What am I doing with this life of mine? Now that I am separated from C, what is left of me? ... the tears have come now, those bitter, sweet, healing, tears. This grief which flows from my heart leaving space behind for new love to grow.
To feel rejected by the person I have loved with all my heart is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. To feel that I am not attractive enough, not man enough to retain her interest makes me question all that I am. It doesn't really matter anymore I suppose what her reasons or her feelings are, what matters is that I need to know how how I feel, how I act, what I want in this life. I am thinking of my life's soundtrack at the moment. Since I came to Japan I have lost some of my connection with music. C and I came together over our shared passion for the music of our early adolescence: the Cure, the Sisters of Mercy, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Joy Division, Bauhaus. The heartache in the songs matched our own heartache as we struggled to grow into adulthood. Both of us left these musicians long ago as more joyful lyrics sang us into a more joyful life. I return to them sometimes, to remind myself of how I felt as a teenager, to grieve to, to cry about my relationship with C. In the last few weeks as I grew to know in my heart what I refused to recognise in my conscious mind I have listened to them again and mourned the passing of something on which I have built my life. On which I have built my sense of self.
"Where do I start, where do I begin?" This lyric from the Chemical Brothers has been ringing in my ears lately as I try to sort out what is left of myself out of the emotional wreckage of my long term relationship.
Houses and gardens and children all loomed large for both of us a few years ago until finally C snapped and decided that she wanted to go back to uni and become an artist again. This firm rejection of what I had been dreaming about set in train a process of reevaluation of my own life in which I discovered how unhappy I was about dreaming myself into a stereotype. C and I have spent most of our time together being deeply depressed and we have spent most of our time together really stoned. In amongst all that our lives have been lived and they have been full lives but neither of us were happy with being slaves to a drug that only distorted and diminished our ability to face life full on. I think she is much more courageous than me. She quit smoking before me and seized hold of her Sydney artist dream while I continued to wallow in the emotional turmoil of my failed homoeopathy practice, my poverty and my lack of any clear idea of the line of march.
As much as I still don't want to admit it it seems obvious now that the relationship which has been a constant feature of my life since I began my journey into adulthood would change radically as the two of us wrestled with what it was to be adults. Being depressed together has meant that we both were able to avoid the question of who am I in favour of taking care of the other one. Maybe it is time, at this point in the piece to stop talking of 'us' and limit myself to my own experience. For the truth be told the deeply depressed girl that I knew has blossomed into a much more confident woman who is more than capable of taking care of herself. The truth is that I built a lot of my identity around taking care of her and in turn derived self-affirmation from the fact that I was the stable one. As she changed and stopped relying on me so much for emotional support I felt lost. I fought to retain the power I felt from being the dominant one in the relationship and as she grew stronger I lost the battle. It was a battle I had no desire to win. I would often recognise this feeling in myself and hate myself for it. To resent someone that you love for being happier and stronger is not a good place to be. I have watched myself try to undermine her as she struggled to be a better person even while at the same time I tried to support her. Of course, being human, she still needed emotional support and so I was able to continue to derive my identity in no small part from this ever shrinking window.
At the same time I began to create my own separate identity too and of course, in its turn this evoked a somewhat similar reaction in her. It has been a two-way battle for power and control which has exhausted the love we feel for one another and blinded us both to the unique individuality and strength of the other. In my case it blinded me to my own uniqueness, beauty and strength. Upon this foundation of continuing affection and love, mixed with powerful feelings of resentment, jealousy and the desire to escape it that we hatched a plan to live apart and see how we went as individuals. Not wanting to do things by halves only life on separate hemispheres would do.
This separation has had different effects on me. Part of me has struggled against it and tried to hold onto the old relationship we had. I have romanticised that relationship and created an image of it in my own mind which is far rosier than the reality actually was. I tend to forget the abandonment and isolation I felt even when we were in the same room. At the same time, the better part of me has used this opportunity to begin my search for myself. Constantly dogged by my own idealisation of her strength I have sought my own strength not because I wanted to but because I felt I had no choice. What I wanted to do most of the time was to sink back into it and give up and have Caitlin pick up the pieces.
When I was in Australia I was working all the time and made deeply unhappy by it but at least I had friends. I had old friends who understood me and supported me and new friends who not only gave me their love but gave me the opportunity to understand that I was in fact worthy and deserving of love. I think in the bitter struggle which my relationship with C had become I lost my sense of how amazing and wonderful I am. Her constant pulling away from me made me feel like this is all that I deserved. My friends made me realise that I was worthy of love for my own sake.
Then came Japan.
Since I arrived here all my fear, my anxiety have returned with a vengeance. Every day is an enormous struggle again. I don't have any close friends around me and so everything I do requires me to rely upon myself. I can't really rely on anyone to include me or think of me because they don't know me. This is starting to change. I have kept knocking at the doors until someone noticed I was there. Of course, I am so anxious that even when I do get to meet people I am not able to manifest my qualities fully. I hold back and my unhappiness comes through in my words, my posture and my actions. Somehow in spite of all the obstacles I have kept pushing out though and I feel like I have some friends now. I know that with time I will develop many more.
I have questioned all of the reasons that I came to Japan. I took a job here at an English conversation school in order to finance my vision of pursuing a life in Japan. Unfortunately I didn't fully appreciate how difficult it would be for me to cope in the corporate environment. I work for a large corporation and so my working environment is pretty much the opposite of what I desire! It is a struggle to get through the week and make it to the weekend when I can go out and experience the life I came here to experience. I can't decide whether it is worth the sacrifice of 5/7 of my time for the sake of 2/7 that I actually enjoy! To build a life here that can make me happy is going to take so long. I can't decide whether I am prepared to make the effort and whether it is worth it when I have such a good life back home. I miss my friends so much. I struggled so hard to build those relationships and so many of them are so new. I am really questioning whether I want to do without them for the sake of living overseas.
Then I think about my dreams! I dream such vivid dreams! It is my usual habit each day to construct a hundred castles in the air. I know that part of this is escapist but another part of it is just who I am. This life we know, this divided, alienated life-under-capitalism is not ideal. I dream of a better life for myself and for the people I love. I dream dreams of overseas study and involvement in political movements all over the world and a deep sense of connection with the revolutionary movements which seek to change it. I have heard so much about the joys of travel. Of how it helps people to find themselves. Of the freedom it brings. I am desperate to taste that. Coming to Japan was a bit like deciding to travel but it was bound up with the idea of building a life and ongoing connections which surely requires a more stable existence? Now I need to make some decisions about my life.
This great love I have known and do know is a part of who I am. Who I am will always in part be determined by the people with whom I share my life. It is in others that we see ourselves reflected. We learn from others, we compare ourselves with them, we experience their love and it gives us the strength to carry on the struggle. But the Chemical Brothers words seem to me to encapsulate an essential part of the question. Although we must of necessity build ourselves out of the people that we know and love it is our love of ourselves that must form the foundation. Where do I start, where do I begin? With myself - now, who is that?
Can't even focus on a coffee cup
Don't even know whose bed I'm in
Where do I start
Where do I begin
(The Private Psychedelic Reel, The Chemical Brothers)
Each morning I wake up with the pain of my separation from the greatest love I have ever known. And each morning the pain is getting less. Today is the first morning I haven't cried first thing in the morning, though I am sure that that will come. I am immersed in the question: who am I? What am I doing with this life of mine? Now that I am separated from C, what is left of me? ... the tears have come now, those bitter, sweet, healing, tears. This grief which flows from my heart leaving space behind for new love to grow.
To feel rejected by the person I have loved with all my heart is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. To feel that I am not attractive enough, not man enough to retain her interest makes me question all that I am. It doesn't really matter anymore I suppose what her reasons or her feelings are, what matters is that I need to know how how I feel, how I act, what I want in this life. I am thinking of my life's soundtrack at the moment. Since I came to Japan I have lost some of my connection with music. C and I came together over our shared passion for the music of our early adolescence: the Cure, the Sisters of Mercy, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Joy Division, Bauhaus. The heartache in the songs matched our own heartache as we struggled to grow into adulthood. Both of us left these musicians long ago as more joyful lyrics sang us into a more joyful life. I return to them sometimes, to remind myself of how I felt as a teenager, to grieve to, to cry about my relationship with C. In the last few weeks as I grew to know in my heart what I refused to recognise in my conscious mind I have listened to them again and mourned the passing of something on which I have built my life. On which I have built my sense of self.
"Where do I start, where do I begin?" This lyric from the Chemical Brothers has been ringing in my ears lately as I try to sort out what is left of myself out of the emotional wreckage of my long term relationship.
Houses and gardens and children all loomed large for both of us a few years ago until finally C snapped and decided that she wanted to go back to uni and become an artist again. This firm rejection of what I had been dreaming about set in train a process of reevaluation of my own life in which I discovered how unhappy I was about dreaming myself into a stereotype. C and I have spent most of our time together being deeply depressed and we have spent most of our time together really stoned. In amongst all that our lives have been lived and they have been full lives but neither of us were happy with being slaves to a drug that only distorted and diminished our ability to face life full on. I think she is much more courageous than me. She quit smoking before me and seized hold of her Sydney artist dream while I continued to wallow in the emotional turmoil of my failed homoeopathy practice, my poverty and my lack of any clear idea of the line of march.
As much as I still don't want to admit it it seems obvious now that the relationship which has been a constant feature of my life since I began my journey into adulthood would change radically as the two of us wrestled with what it was to be adults. Being depressed together has meant that we both were able to avoid the question of who am I in favour of taking care of the other one. Maybe it is time, at this point in the piece to stop talking of 'us' and limit myself to my own experience. For the truth be told the deeply depressed girl that I knew has blossomed into a much more confident woman who is more than capable of taking care of herself. The truth is that I built a lot of my identity around taking care of her and in turn derived self-affirmation from the fact that I was the stable one. As she changed and stopped relying on me so much for emotional support I felt lost. I fought to retain the power I felt from being the dominant one in the relationship and as she grew stronger I lost the battle. It was a battle I had no desire to win. I would often recognise this feeling in myself and hate myself for it. To resent someone that you love for being happier and stronger is not a good place to be. I have watched myself try to undermine her as she struggled to be a better person even while at the same time I tried to support her. Of course, being human, she still needed emotional support and so I was able to continue to derive my identity in no small part from this ever shrinking window.
At the same time I began to create my own separate identity too and of course, in its turn this evoked a somewhat similar reaction in her. It has been a two-way battle for power and control which has exhausted the love we feel for one another and blinded us both to the unique individuality and strength of the other. In my case it blinded me to my own uniqueness, beauty and strength. Upon this foundation of continuing affection and love, mixed with powerful feelings of resentment, jealousy and the desire to escape it that we hatched a plan to live apart and see how we went as individuals. Not wanting to do things by halves only life on separate hemispheres would do.
This separation has had different effects on me. Part of me has struggled against it and tried to hold onto the old relationship we had. I have romanticised that relationship and created an image of it in my own mind which is far rosier than the reality actually was. I tend to forget the abandonment and isolation I felt even when we were in the same room. At the same time, the better part of me has used this opportunity to begin my search for myself. Constantly dogged by my own idealisation of her strength I have sought my own strength not because I wanted to but because I felt I had no choice. What I wanted to do most of the time was to sink back into it and give up and have Caitlin pick up the pieces.
When I was in Australia I was working all the time and made deeply unhappy by it but at least I had friends. I had old friends who understood me and supported me and new friends who not only gave me their love but gave me the opportunity to understand that I was in fact worthy and deserving of love. I think in the bitter struggle which my relationship with C had become I lost my sense of how amazing and wonderful I am. Her constant pulling away from me made me feel like this is all that I deserved. My friends made me realise that I was worthy of love for my own sake.
Then came Japan.
Since I arrived here all my fear, my anxiety have returned with a vengeance. Every day is an enormous struggle again. I don't have any close friends around me and so everything I do requires me to rely upon myself. I can't really rely on anyone to include me or think of me because they don't know me. This is starting to change. I have kept knocking at the doors until someone noticed I was there. Of course, I am so anxious that even when I do get to meet people I am not able to manifest my qualities fully. I hold back and my unhappiness comes through in my words, my posture and my actions. Somehow in spite of all the obstacles I have kept pushing out though and I feel like I have some friends now. I know that with time I will develop many more.
I have questioned all of the reasons that I came to Japan. I took a job here at an English conversation school in order to finance my vision of pursuing a life in Japan. Unfortunately I didn't fully appreciate how difficult it would be for me to cope in the corporate environment. I work for a large corporation and so my working environment is pretty much the opposite of what I desire! It is a struggle to get through the week and make it to the weekend when I can go out and experience the life I came here to experience. I can't decide whether it is worth the sacrifice of 5/7 of my time for the sake of 2/7 that I actually enjoy! To build a life here that can make me happy is going to take so long. I can't decide whether I am prepared to make the effort and whether it is worth it when I have such a good life back home. I miss my friends so much. I struggled so hard to build those relationships and so many of them are so new. I am really questioning whether I want to do without them for the sake of living overseas.
Then I think about my dreams! I dream such vivid dreams! It is my usual habit each day to construct a hundred castles in the air. I know that part of this is escapist but another part of it is just who I am. This life we know, this divided, alienated life-under-capitalism is not ideal. I dream of a better life for myself and for the people I love. I dream dreams of overseas study and involvement in political movements all over the world and a deep sense of connection with the revolutionary movements which seek to change it. I have heard so much about the joys of travel. Of how it helps people to find themselves. Of the freedom it brings. I am desperate to taste that. Coming to Japan was a bit like deciding to travel but it was bound up with the idea of building a life and ongoing connections which surely requires a more stable existence? Now I need to make some decisions about my life.
This great love I have known and do know is a part of who I am. Who I am will always in part be determined by the people with whom I share my life. It is in others that we see ourselves reflected. We learn from others, we compare ourselves with them, we experience their love and it gives us the strength to carry on the struggle. But the Chemical Brothers words seem to me to encapsulate an essential part of the question. Although we must of necessity build ourselves out of the people that we know and love it is our love of ourselves that must form the foundation. Where do I start, where do I begin? With myself - now, who is that?
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Water, Water, Everywhere: A Journey to Nozawa Onsen
In Australia I have lived for years with the ever present lack of rainfall. We have water restrictions in place and everywhere you look rivers are low and the grass is brown. In the year leading up to my departure we finally had some decent rain and there was green in places I hadn't seen it for years. Here in Japan there is water everywhere and people are rather blase about it. It is still perfectly acceptable to hose down hard surfaces, something which fills me with horror. Yet at the same time, Japan apparently imports bottled drinking water! You have to love the insane logic of capitalism, they probably import it from Australia!
Nowhere have I witnessed so much water as in Nozawa Onsen in Nagano prefecture which I visited 21-23 September. I arrived there on Sunday afternoon and was met at the train station by Tim in the van whom I haven't seen for at least 12 years! He drove me up to the onsen village ski resort where they are staying and introduced me to his girlfriend Fiona.
She was very nice and we had tea and a chat. Before long we headed out to find an onsen and wander around the village. There are numerous free onsen baths scattered about the village and we passed a few before deciding on one.There is a set of 'baths' outdoors which are used not for bathing but for cooking vegetables, eggs and some kind of cane that I assume was being left in the boiling hot water to steam. Next to the cooking baths, which are roped off with a sign 'For Villagers Only' is a small shrine at the top of a steep staircase. Climbing the stairs the shrine is much the same as any small Japanese shinto shrine but the view of the village was great and the trees around us were beautiful. Above one can see the travelator which apparently takes skiers further up the mountain. One of the most remarkable features of the village was the extensive drainage network that ran along every street and between almost every house. Everywhere you go in the village you hear the sound of running water and many of the drains are open so you can see the constant stream rushing past.
There must be a lot of water rushing down from the mountains above. Some of the drains were like waterfalls so they were very pretty. Others ran beneath the street and could be heard gushing through numerous grates. Apparently the hot spring water is channeled beneath some of the streets in order to keep the roads free of snow. It would be interesting to see this in operation were I to come back in the ski season.
Tim and Fi are currently staying at one of two lodges in the town belonging to an Australian guy and doing some odd jobs in exchange for their accommodation. They have been promised work at the lodge in the winter season but are not yet sure exactly what the job will entail. They spent the last Winter in Hokkaido managing a ski lodge in Niseko, which is frequented by Australian ski tourists. They had to cook breakfast for all the guests in the morning but were free to spend the day out on the slopes before returning to do various jobs at night. Included in the job was a season lift pass, obviously worth its weight in gold to a serious snowboarder, accomodation and a monthly stipend. They appear to have been able to save some money and as they are both snowboard lovers they were able to spend an entire winter snowboarding. The powder in Hokkaido is legendary and they confirmed that it was indeed fantastic. It was also cold, so cold that after a few hours out on the slopes they had to take refuge inside and warm up before heading out again.Since then they have been living in their van and traveling around Japan. Sometimes they would sleep in the van and after a while just driving around and parking, checking things out, they would head to a WWOOF placement for a week or so in order to get out of the van, wash their clothes and experience Japanese rural life. They worked with goats at one placement but more often worked with plants. They said the farm life was very hard and while they enjoyed it they were amazed at the stamina of the men and particularly the women who work all their lives on the farm. The women work all day out on the farm just as hard as the men but also take responsibility for cooking an amazing meal and keeping the house clean. Tim and Fi both commented on the extensive use of chemicals on Japanese farms. While WWOOF farms are mostly organic or at least partially so they border farms which use pesticides and other chemicals and there is no way to prevent cross-contamination. In particular they pointed out that the water in the rice paddies flows between neighbouring fields making any kind of separation impossible.
On Tuesday morning we went to another onsen, this one was very hot. I could only stand to stay in the water for a few minutes and when I submerged my hands in it they immediately started to develop really intense pins and needles. When you are in a very, very hot bath you feel as if as long as you stay still you are OK but as soon as you move the heat hits you. It was boiling! Outside the bathhouse has a receptacle into which you can place eggs. After 20-25 minutes they are ready and we so we made some for lunch. This method of cooking is called onsen-tamago (onsen eggs). The eggs are somewhere between hard and soft boiled with the yellow being quite well done but the white quite runny. We made a delicious meal of eggs, brown rice, seaweed and miso soup. Tim and Fi after spending many breakfasts on Japanese farms have developed a taste for the fermented soy-bean product called natto and they had that as well. I can't quite get used to its slightly 'off' smell and sticky, mucilaginous consistency. Japanese people's traditional breakfast is natto with rice and apparently on the many farms they visited as WWOOF volunteers this was the customary breakfast. I have asked some of my students about natto and while most of them like it only a few eat it for breakfast regularly.I rode a nice old local train back to Nagano from Togari-Noazawa-onsen station after getting a lift to the station from Nozawa Onsen with Tim and Fi.
Their van was really cool and they lived in it for several months. The train line wound its way through a valley. On the right mountain chains rose up against the hazy sky. The valley was filled with golden fields of rice nearly ready for harvest. In Nozawa Onsen I saw people actually harvesting their crops using small tractors, one of which was hand operated. The machines seem to cut the rice in bunches and toss them to each side in very neat diagonal rows. I guess the rice is planted in tufts to make it suitable for this style of harvesting. Once the rice has been harvested it is hung upside-down on lines across the paddies and there are many paddies with their rows of drying rice on either side of my train window.
Wherever you look around here every available piece of space is occupied by rice paddies or small vegetable plots. 
I don't think Nagano is particularly well known for its rice production so the real rice producing prefectures must be a sight to see. As the train stopped at Iiyama station I noticed a building with an imitation statue of liberty on it! It is quite big and the building displays the large katakana letters ribatihiruzu (Liberty Hills)! What a sight! out in this rural Nagano village. The building was on a hill overlooking the station and main town. Riding the train was lovely. It rumbled along slowly offering plentiful opportunities to gaze out the window and the gentle rocking was soothing.
The mountains here in Nagano are so big and steep and rise out of the flat land of the valleys so rapidly. I think they are typical of mountains in the whole region. I have passed many temples on this short train journey (about 1 hour) and they all seem to have big, red roofs. Most of the buddhist temples I have seen in Japan have brown roofs so it is quite different. I hope to come back to Nozawa Onsen in the ski season and stay at the lodge once again. It would be great to see Tim and Fi again and to see the town under a blanket of snow. I may not make it though as they mentioned March was the most likely season and I may have other plans for March. They will be heading back to Australia in a few days to await the coming of Winter and I look forward to seeing them in Tokyo. We are off to check out Neon - Deepflow Drum'n'Bass at Module in Shibuya. Should be fun!
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| Nozawa Onsen, Nagano Prefecture 22-23 September |
Dreaming
We are quite ordinary women and men, children and old people, that is, rebellious, non-conformist, uncomfortable, dreamers. (Subcomandante Marcos, La Jornada, 4 de agosto de 1999)
I am a dreamer. I fight constantly with myself, telling myself that I ought to dream less and focus on the present more. True as this may be I think it's about time I learnt to love some things about myself which are unlikely to change. Being a dreamer means I can see possibilities in every situation. It enables me to hang on when life seems really hard by imagining a better future. It allows me to see things which other people cannot see. It allows the possibility of living those dreams. As Ella Fitzgerald says: "If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?"
So I dreamed a dream about life in Japan and here I am. The dream was definitely rosier than the reality! I completely underestimated the challenges which would lie in wait for me here. Now I am single, working in a corporate job which I hate and living alone in the drab outskirts of Tokyo! All these worries prey on my mind, especially now and especially since my birthday a month ago. Birthdays make us think about where we are in life. Sitting alone in a cheap ramen restaurant drinking beer was not really the place I wanted to be on my birthday this year. Fortunately I had a great farewell party before I left so I will retrospectively proclaim it my farewell/pre-birthday party! Last night my friend Gavin had a skype birthday party which I unfortunately missed. I spoke to him though and he said it was a little schizophrenic but very rewarding.
Yet being alone in one sense I am not in another. My friends and family in Australia have continued to be extremely supportive and their love is what has kept me going in the last week. As tears well up in my eyes and my heart feels like it is being crushed in a vice, a kind word on facebook or a skype call nurses me back to life. Doing tai chi this morning in what I will call my forest of sadness
I feel no chi in my hands. I try to focus the chi but it is all bound up in a horrible knot in my stomach so I just wave my hands in the air in the appropriate way and hope that the next day, or the next I will be able to focus.
I can't help but feel that I needed to be in a position where I have little choice but to rely on myself. I have relied on my partner to know who I am but only I can know that.
I am pushing out too (thanks Mehtap). Each week brings me new friends. There is something exciting about this because people I don't know and have no real previous connection show an interest in getting to know me. As much as I think we have to find our self worth in our selves there is no doubt that friendships of all sorts play an important role in helping us build a secure self-image. Japan is full of amazing people and I think I have been pretty lucky so far in the people that I have met.
So let me re-imagine the current reality of my Japanese dream. I am living in a wonderful, different and exciting place meeting lots of new and interesting people. My apartment is in a nice, quiet area surrounded by vegetable plots and close to a large forest which lovingly embraces my tai chi practice. I am facing the corporate monster that is my work each day and coming out in one piece. I am continuing to develop my relationships with people in Australia and around the world via the wonderful medium of the internet. I am writing an awesome blog and last but not least:
I am dreaming my way back into myself.
I am a dreamer. I fight constantly with myself, telling myself that I ought to dream less and focus on the present more. True as this may be I think it's about time I learnt to love some things about myself which are unlikely to change. Being a dreamer means I can see possibilities in every situation. It enables me to hang on when life seems really hard by imagining a better future. It allows me to see things which other people cannot see. It allows the possibility of living those dreams. As Ella Fitzgerald says: "If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?"
So I dreamed a dream about life in Japan and here I am. The dream was definitely rosier than the reality! I completely underestimated the challenges which would lie in wait for me here. Now I am single, working in a corporate job which I hate and living alone in the drab outskirts of Tokyo! All these worries prey on my mind, especially now and especially since my birthday a month ago. Birthdays make us think about where we are in life. Sitting alone in a cheap ramen restaurant drinking beer was not really the place I wanted to be on my birthday this year. Fortunately I had a great farewell party before I left so I will retrospectively proclaim it my farewell/pre-birthday party! Last night my friend Gavin had a skype birthday party which I unfortunately missed. I spoke to him though and he said it was a little schizophrenic but very rewarding.
Yet being alone in one sense I am not in another. My friends and family in Australia have continued to be extremely supportive and their love is what has kept me going in the last week. As tears well up in my eyes and my heart feels like it is being crushed in a vice, a kind word on facebook or a skype call nurses me back to life. Doing tai chi this morning in what I will call my forest of sadness
I feel no chi in my hands. I try to focus the chi but it is all bound up in a horrible knot in my stomach so I just wave my hands in the air in the appropriate way and hope that the next day, or the next I will be able to focus.I can't help but feel that I needed to be in a position where I have little choice but to rely on myself. I have relied on my partner to know who I am but only I can know that.
I am pushing out too (thanks Mehtap). Each week brings me new friends. There is something exciting about this because people I don't know and have no real previous connection show an interest in getting to know me. As much as I think we have to find our self worth in our selves there is no doubt that friendships of all sorts play an important role in helping us build a secure self-image. Japan is full of amazing people and I think I have been pretty lucky so far in the people that I have met.
So let me re-imagine the current reality of my Japanese dream. I am living in a wonderful, different and exciting place meeting lots of new and interesting people. My apartment is in a nice, quiet area surrounded by vegetable plots and close to a large forest which lovingly embraces my tai chi practice. I am facing the corporate monster that is my work each day and coming out in one piece. I am continuing to develop my relationships with people in Australia and around the world via the wonderful medium of the internet. I am writing an awesome blog and last but not least:
I am dreaming my way back into myself.
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| Niiza and Surrounds |
Monday, October 6, 2008
Simple Pleasures
Today was a challenging day but a very successful one. It was a day in which I recovered a little piece of myself.I have learnt over the years that in the morning when I first wake up I am very vulnerable emotionally. I often get depressing, recurrent thoughts at this time and the longer I lie there the worse they get. In recent times I have generally reacted to this situation by taking the obvious step: getting up. Since I have been in Japan, however, I have often had trouble mustering the willpower for that and instead lay there worrying more and more. Today was not one of those days!
I realise that I need to take care of this body of mine. My mind is a wild and undisciplined creature and it tends to lead me on a daily wild goose chase through a myriad of possible futures and a forest of whimsy. I figure I can't do all that much about that so at least I can make the vehicle as comfortable as possible. I did some stretching this morning and some Tai Chi and started the day feeling a bit better in my body than I usually do. Then I went to the dry cleaners. This is a small pleasure for me because I always go to the same small shop on the other side of the tracks and the woman who works there knows me now. Although we don't speak much it makes me feel like I am known and that I live in this place. I need that feeling to help anchor me to the present. Another thing that helps me to feel that I live here is starting to explore the neighbourhood. I have taken a few adventures on foot but on Friday I picked up my new bicycle and since then I have been on a few rides and started to get a better sense of where I am.
Not wanting to spend the whole day on my own at home on facebook I decided it would be a good idea to ride to Tokyo. Well I made it almost as far as Ikebukuro before I decided I had ridden far enough and tried to find something to eat. I saw the sign to Koenji at about this point but it was another 5 kilometres and I didn't feel I wanted to go quite that far.
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| From Tokyo Scenes - Various |
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| From Tokyo Scenes - Various |
It's great to have ridden as far as a sign that says Koenji though because in my mind I thought I was much further away than that. An hour and a half is actually not a bad ride if the weather is OK. I only worry about the return journey, tired at the end of a day. I found a very delicious little sushi restaurant and had a very tasty lunch with no book! I just sat and ate my food slowly and deliberately. At least those two zen sittings I attended reminded me that I should pay attention while I eat my food.
Returning to Niiza I passed a large army base in Asaka. I think one of my students is stationed there. I went to 'Jonathans' family restaurant to have a coffee and do my homework. Unfortunately it was very noisy and dark and I was seduced by dessert so I ended up feeling sick. At least I finished my homework though. The dessert was black sesame and soft-serve ice-cream with these weird little gelatinous white balls. I think they were made out of some sort of plant gum.
I went to Takadanobaba in the evening and cooked dinner with Jaime at her place there. I met Jaime at the Mother festival in Nagano where she was volunteering. She has lived in Japan for 8 years! We chatted about life, love, the future and other such things. Jaime, who used to organise parties in Japan, played me some house music. I love listening to new music and learning to appreciate different styles. This is the first time I have eaten a meal at someone's house (other than my own) since I have been here. It was so nice to do something so normal. I am fascinated by electronic music and its evolution. Eating with people in restaurants and bars just doesn't compare to a nice meal at home on a Monday night. I am reminded by this evenings and yesterdays cooking of how much I enjoy cooking for people. I hope I can do something with this, maybe next year in Italy for the G8!
So today has been a day of simple pleasures.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Sound of Vibrator
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| From Le Placard JP 2008 at Enjoy Kitanaka Hall |
The audience dons a pair of headphones and listens. Who thought of this strange idea? Well, apparently it started in France about 10 years. The younger brother of the guy who started it was at the concert and played the closing set. It's been going on in Japan for about 7 years. I'm not sure what the original idea was but at Enjoy Kitanaka Hall it wouldn't be possible to have a regular concert because of noise issues so it was just the thing.I didn't even know I was going to a concert! And an experimental music one at that. I am not generally a fan of experimental music, although I can't help but respect people who try to push the boundaries of what constitutes music.
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| From Le Placard JP 2008 at Enjoy Kitanaka Hall |
The concert was interesting. I enjoyed some of the music while some of it was just noise to me. The first act was an interesting guitarist/singer who ended every song by saying "genki? iizou", which means something like "happy?, that's great".
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| From Le Placard JP 2008 at Enjoy Kitanaka Hall |
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| From Le Placard JP 2008 at Enjoy Kitanaka Hall |
My favourite artist of the evening was Masa
whose performance consisted of sound recordings of demonstrations in Shimokitazawa and elsewhere and of a Koenji personality called Matsumoto mixed with really good beats. Musically this was the best performance for me because unlike the really experimental pieces it wasn't just interesting it was enjoyable to listen to. The sounds he created were very reminiscent of psychadelic trance which I later found out is one of Masa's interests. Another performer, whose name I have unfortunately forgotten, also created a very musical set. He also performed two hip-hop pieces which was very cool. 
I chatted to him before the concert while I was cooking, he was one of the organisers, and he said that there isn't really any political hip-hop in Japan. I was surprised to hear that but after listening to him perform political hip-hop I know there is at least one such artist in the big city. One of his other pieces combined electronic beats and glockenspiel which worked out much better than it sounds! Listening to that was like being in another world.One of the most unusual acts was a French duo who played some kind of Nintendo DS, a computer (they used some kind of pick-up to 'play' the computer), a kazoo and a vibrator. As you might expect a vibrator projected through a sound system sounds kind of vibratey. They played a series of unusual clips on the laptop screen they were using for an instrument. The most memorable was a segment of a French cooking show where they demonstrated how to cook an eel starting with the live eel and proceeding to kill, skin and chop up the enormous creature. Not a pretty sight, especially in a country where they actually eat eel. Eel is very tasty, a lot like chicken ... but now I'm not so sure.
I actually spent most of the conert sewing while I listened. I sewed a 'Make Capitalism History' patch on the back of a T-shirt. I sewed another patch on the front the first time I went so now I think the shirt looks pretty nifty. I really enjoyed doing this because it's the sort of thing I wouldn't normally do. One of the reasons I decided to go overseas was to force myself to do things I don't normally do. The fact is I was unhappy a lot of the time back in Australia and I have been unhappy most of the time here in Japan too. However, coming here has forced me to challenge myself every day and stripped away most of the things I use to hide behind. I'm really confused at the moment about what I am doing here, who I am and what I will do in the future but no matter what happens next this experience has changed me for the better already. I have no regrets about coming.
In addition to the sewing I also made some stamps out of erasers which read 世界で平和を (peace for the world). I intend to use these eraser-stamps to make some kind of artwork by stamping pieces of paper with this message. I haven't worked out the final details yet! I ended up chatting with quite a lot of the people at the concert (which was very small, probably 20 people came and went all in all). Among them was the aforementioned artist Masa who I had a drink with at a nearby cafe afterwards. He owns and operates a shop in Shimokitazawa and is active in movements to prevent Shimokitazawa being gentrified and overdeveloped. He and some of the other people at the concert are fans of trance and other genres of electronic dance music. I found the psytrance/political connection! And it only took 3 months (and a few days).
My emotions have been pretty strong lately and I am often thinking about particular pieces of music and listening to various parts of my music collection. This has run the whole gamut from the old teenage angst music such as the Cure to the psytrance which has become such an important part of my life in the last year or so. I have reflected often on the connection between music and our lives. The music I listen to evokes memories of different parts of my life. I realised in the last week or so that my collection hasn't really expanded at all since I came here. I think this is a clear sign that my head has not been in a good place and I intend to rectify the situtation as quickly as possible!
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| Le Placard JP 2008 at Enjoy Kitanaka Hall |
Monday, September 22, 2008
Zazenkai
This morning I got up at 5 am and went to a small Zen temple in Warabi city for zazen practice. I am not sure that zazen is really the path for me but it was a good idea to go at this time. I felt it helped calm me down after a very emotional couple of weeks. The temple was, as I had expected, a small family temple in the suburbs with a graveyard and attached residence. The priest greeted me in a very friendly fashion and showed me in. I arrived early, at 6 am and the meditation was not due to start until 6:30 am. He showed me the sutra we would be reading, the Heart Sutra, and some other prayers and then left me to my own devices. I sat in the temple and looked out at the garden and read the sutra. Then people began to arrive, at first in their ones and twos but then more and more. In the end there were quite a number of participants including 4 new students such as myself. There were probably 20 students or even a few more who were not newbies although some of them had only been twice. There were many old men among the participants. We new students were to sit outside the tatami mat area on the wooden floor (although of course we were given cushions like everyone else). I think if we go back then we can enter the tatami mat area with everyone else. After reading the sutra together and another short prayer by Zen master Hakuin the priest came and instructed us new students on how to sit. He showed us to sit with our spine extended and our shoulders relaxed saying that this position was the most important. He described the method of breathing, slowly in and out and instructed us to count our breaths until we reached ten. We were told to sit in half-lotus position or full-lotus if we could manage it. He then stated that in zen one can work to clear the mind but he said that that was too difficult to begin with and just to concentrate on the breath. The priest then said not to worry because he would correct our posture as we progressed and that if he corrected us that we ought to submit to the correction. He then told us we had about 20 minutes left and then left us. He then took up a big stick and began to patrol the room. It is traditional in zen practice for one of the monks to patrol the meditation hall and watch for signs of sleepiness or bad posture. These are then met with a whack with a big stick. Out of the corner of my half-closed eyes I observed him walking with the stick held above his shoulder like a club. He administered quite a lot of whacks to the students. I think the students had to bow down and take the stick across their backs. Each time he whacked twice and the sound was very loud. I was very nervous that he might whack me and hence I kept very still the entire time. The twenty minutes of meditation seemed to go quite quickly, perhaps due to the adrenalin I experienced every time I heard the whacking sound!
After zazen we went to clean the temple grounds but as there weren't enough brooms some of us had to pick up leaves by hand. After what seemed like a very short time we were told to come back inside to eat some breakfast. The meal was very simple and consisted of pickles, vegetables and rice gruel. Before the meal we recited the Heart Sutra once again and another short prayer. We were told to only take as much food as we could eat and not to leave anything behind except for one pickle which we were to retain on our plates. After the first serve of rice gruel another round was served and I was able to finish my meal. The food was quite tasty. We were offered tea but we had to use a bit of the tea to wash the small plate using the piece of pickle as a sponge. Then we dipped the pickle in the tea and ate it. Each new student was positioned next to an experienced student so as to be shown how to eat the meal properly. After breakfast we were all invited to stay for tea and a chat. As I was heading to Nagano later that morning I decided to head home. I walked to the station with one of the other new students who was from the Phillipines and spoke English. She is a teacher of Japanese and is here studying Japanese to increase and improve her language skills. She lived in Japan for 3 years in the past while completing a Masters degree in science in Kyoto. It was at that time that she practised zazen and like me she was at this particular zazenkai because it was located near her place.
As I am writing this post it is raining really hard. I am in a country town in Nagano prefecture staying at a lodge with a very old friend from Albury, Tim. He has been in Japan with his girlfriend Fiona since November. I haven't seen Tim for more than 12 years. We were friends in primary school. I found out through a mutual friend that he was in Japan and we were finally in the same island at the right time to meet up. On the ride out here from Nagano on the train I enjoyed looking at the mountains and rice paddies. One of the reasons I am interested in meditation is that I don't focus enough on the present. Well here is a chance to do just that by observing the beauty of nature. My friend Alison taught me the value and pleasure in doing nothing and just sitting in the beauty of nature. This is very difficult for me because I am always trying to intellectualise my experiences but it gives me a great deal of pleasure when I surrender myself to it.
I don't think I will go back to that particular zazenkai because I can't come at the idea of letting someone hit me with a stick. I am interested in the meditation though so I will look for another group.
After zazen we went to clean the temple grounds but as there weren't enough brooms some of us had to pick up leaves by hand. After what seemed like a very short time we were told to come back inside to eat some breakfast. The meal was very simple and consisted of pickles, vegetables and rice gruel. Before the meal we recited the Heart Sutra once again and another short prayer. We were told to only take as much food as we could eat and not to leave anything behind except for one pickle which we were to retain on our plates. After the first serve of rice gruel another round was served and I was able to finish my meal. The food was quite tasty. We were offered tea but we had to use a bit of the tea to wash the small plate using the piece of pickle as a sponge. Then we dipped the pickle in the tea and ate it. Each new student was positioned next to an experienced student so as to be shown how to eat the meal properly. After breakfast we were all invited to stay for tea and a chat. As I was heading to Nagano later that morning I decided to head home. I walked to the station with one of the other new students who was from the Phillipines and spoke English. She is a teacher of Japanese and is here studying Japanese to increase and improve her language skills. She lived in Japan for 3 years in the past while completing a Masters degree in science in Kyoto. It was at that time that she practised zazen and like me she was at this particular zazenkai because it was located near her place.
As I am writing this post it is raining really hard. I am in a country town in Nagano prefecture staying at a lodge with a very old friend from Albury, Tim. He has been in Japan with his girlfriend Fiona since November. I haven't seen Tim for more than 12 years. We were friends in primary school. I found out through a mutual friend that he was in Japan and we were finally in the same island at the right time to meet up. On the ride out here from Nagano on the train I enjoyed looking at the mountains and rice paddies. One of the reasons I am interested in meditation is that I don't focus enough on the present. Well here is a chance to do just that by observing the beauty of nature. My friend Alison taught me the value and pleasure in doing nothing and just sitting in the beauty of nature. This is very difficult for me because I am always trying to intellectualise my experiences but it gives me a great deal of pleasure when I surrender myself to it.
I don't think I will go back to that particular zazenkai because I can't come at the idea of letting someone hit me with a stick. I am interested in the meditation though so I will look for another group.
Monday, August 25, 2008
The Freeters Union
Today I joined members of the Freeters' Union (a freeter is a part-time, foreign or casual worker) in paying a visit to the Touei Academy offices in Shibuya. It would seem that said academy neglected to pay one of their workers several months worth of salary and we went to remind the company that the money is due. I arrived in Shibuya in the afternoon amidst large crowds of people and met Saburou at Shibuya station. After getting lost trying to find the building (Japan's address system is notoriously complicated) we eventually located it and a number of comrades who were already there. It turned out to be very lucky. Some of the members had spotted the boss arriving at the building offices and going inside, apparently he usually remains elusive. Apparently the company offices too, tend to move around a bit.Once inside the small company office the boss-guy came out of the office and spoke with us. It was very different from union stuff I have done in Australia. No rude words or shouting, just very polite, very insistent badgering. A number of people spoke and although I didn't understand it I certainly caught what I thought was very funny: we are coming to give you our greetings! I am sure that the boss probably would have preferred not to receive such greetings!
After the short action I chatted with some of the people out the front before adjourning with a few union members to a local coffee shops for a chin way. I learned a bit about the political situation in Japan and tried my best to explain my own background. A major issue that has cropped up in Shibuya is the proposed privatisation of Miyashita Park and its transformation into Nike Park. Apparently this is the first time that this has happened in Japan. I am looking forward to making a trip to Osaka in October for a rally in opposition to the death penalty. It seems like quite a few Tokyoites will be making the trip. We are very lucky in Australia to have already abolished the death penalty but it remains in use in Japan. The state must not have the power to give and take life.
After leaving the coffee shop we headed off to the station to make our separate ways home. We happened to pass the Japanese Self Defence Forces new recruiting office in Shibuya, apparently the first such office in Japan.
It was a very modern, chic and attractive looking little shop in the heart of the major youth district in Tokyo, those military recruiters know what they are about. It seems like Japan's constitutional commitmentnot to maintain a military or make preparations for war is in serious jeopardy.
After all these heady deeds and conversations I took off on a short, but relatively pricey spree around Shibuya, got some photos printed and bought stationery. Shibuya is a major shopping and fashion district. I only wish my feet could fit into some of the amazing technicolour shoes that are available here. Although it is probably a good thing that I have one less thing to spend my money on.
I am now ready to face the next few months of intense Japanese study in preparation for the JLPT which I will sit in December and for which I probably need to get some sleep and so goodnight!
Freeters' Union: http://freeter-union.org/union/
Miyashita Park: http://minnanokouenn.blogspot.com/
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Kawagoe Tour
Today is the first time I am actually going to post something that happened that day! I was very kindly escorted on a tour of Kawagoe, a city not far from my own here in Saitama Prefecture. At my welcome party I met Kobayashi-san and Hikaru-san who are both students at my school and chatted to them a lot, late into the evening at the second party (the non-official one). Kobayashi-san lives in Kawagoe and she offered to take Hikaru and I on a tour. We were both keen but schedules were full and I thought it might turn into one of those ideas that never happens. Luckily, Kobayashi was keen and a few weeks ago at school she told me the date for the tour! So this morning she drove over here to Niiza with Hikaru and picked me up and then drove us to Kawagoe. It was really wet and the traffic was bad and I think we got lost a few times but eventually we made it.Kawagoe is known as Little Edo because many of the buildings in one part of town date from the Edo period. Most of the Ed0 period architecture in Tokyo proper was destroyed either in the Great Kanto Earthquake or subsequently during the Second World War and so Kawagoe is one of the few places one can see buildings from this period. The area was very touristy and despite the rain there were many people wandering from souvenir shop to souvenir shop. The buildings were indeed very old and interesting and there was a big bell tower which at one time would have provided the townsfolk with their only timepiece. We had lunch at a place that specialises in sweet potato, a famous local product. Every dish contained sweet potato! including sweet potato croquets, sweet potato udon gratin, sweet potato miso soup, agedashi sweet potato, sweet potato salad and various other concoctions. Desert was some kind of sweet potato mouse served with a piece of grilled sweet potato on top. It was a very interesting and beautifully presented meal. A big part of travel for Japanese people is sampling the local 名物 (specialty goods). This is great because I find sight-seeing only interests me up to a certain point. Being able to eat something unusual like a smorgasbord of sweet potato definitely adds interest. We later had some sweet potato soft serve ice cream too!
After tramping around the beautiful old buildings in the rain we drove over to visit Kitain, a famous old temple of the Tendai sect. We parked illegally in the temple grounds as the car park was already closed and wandered about the beautiful wet gardens. Everything was closing for the day but I managed to slip into the main temple before it closed completely and have a look. We went into the small, fenced Gohayku-Rakan sculpture garden and looked at the 538 stone statues of disciples of Buddha. By this time the rain was really starting to pour adding to the beauty of the gardens. The temple grounds were also playing host to an installation, a part of the Kawagoe Live Art 2008 art festival, which consisted of numerous white cutouts of children playing. The overall effect was actualy a little creepy in the dark, rainy afternoon light. A bit like those outlines of dead people that they make at murder scenes.
Having concluded our sightseeing tour we returned to the important business of food and drove back to Niiza to eat at a Korean BBQ restaurant. True to Kobayashi-san's word the food was delicious. Meat barbequed over charcoal really is one of the tastiest foods there is. The first dish they ordered, which they had been discussing in the car was liver sashimi. Yes, that is sliced raw liver. I tried it and it wasn't too bad but I just couldn't get the idea that I was eating raw liver out of my head! We also enjoyed intestines and tongue as well as more 'conventional' cuts of meat all of which were supremely delicious. The conversation took an interesting turn when Kobayashi and Hikaru started talking about how much effort one should put into work as compared with the rest of life. I was having a bit of trouble following the Japanese at this point but I'm pretty sure that the balance was decided in the right direction: life first. Luckily I was spared from giving my own opinion! Well stuffed we had complimentary ice-cream and tea and talked about our next adventure - a trip to Chichibu (where I went to the Brainbusters party) appears to be in the offing. I couldn't have asked for kinder or more considerate hosts for my trip to Kawagoe. More than sightseeing and even eating it is meeting nice people like this that makes being here worthwhile.
Here are the photos:
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| Kawagoe Tour 24 August 2008 |
Friday, August 15, 2008
Hitch Hiking to Nagano
Yesterday I hitch hiked to Nagano! I was terrified before I left that I wouldn't have the nerve, that noone would pick me up or that I would get stuck on the side of a highway in the middle of nowhere. None of these things happened! In fact I had lots of luck.
I got up really early after a late night of checking and rechecking maps after getting back late from drinking and eating with friends in Koenji (missed the last train and had to get a taxi part of the way home). I caught the train out to Tsurese as instructed by wikitravel's hitch hiking in Japan page and then got the bus to the Saitama Central Hospital. It was easy to find the service entrance to the Expressway Service Area nearby and I walked past the security gate without a glance. Once inside I pulled myself together mentally and then went out to the on-ramp, stood in a safe place next to the traffic and put out my thumb! I held up a sign saying `I can speak Japanese` once again following the wikitravel page advice and within a few minutes I got my first ride.
Mr Watanabe, a painter by trade, was making his way to Niigata but when he asked me where I was going he actually completely changed his route to drop me off in Nagano. I didn't fully realise this til we were on our way or I might have insisted he not do so but as it was he seemed happy, I was very happy and apart from the strong smell of paint fumes I had a comfortable ride to Nagano. Mr Watanabe was very friendly and conversational. I only understood about half of what he said but when I didn't understand a simple `is that so` seemed to do the trick. He told me a lot about his life over the 3-4 hours we spent together and I came to like him very much. He insisted I have his orange juice which was lovely and cold in the hot, steamy weather. Mr Watanabe told me he actually has very few Japanese friends and that most of his friends are foreigners. He goes to Myanmar every year to visit a Burmese friends who used to live in Japan. He was very critical of the Japanese culture of working all the time and claimed that in all of Asia only Japanese were stupid enough to work all day outside even when the sun was very hot. As a painter he works six days a week in order to make enough money to get by but he didn't sound too happy about it and at the age of 72 it's no wonder.
When we got to the Service Area just before Nagano Mr Watanabe dropped me off. I am sure he would have happily taken me into the town but Japan's expressways are toll roads and in leaving the expressway early he would have incurred much more fees to get to his final destination. He was going to Niigata to visit his parents' grave and to leave an offering for each of them of a bottle of sake. He invited me to have a cup of coffee with him at the Service Area, which he paid for, and he then proceeded to tell me the most interesting things so far. He told me that as a child he remembered the American war planes dropping bombs, looking like fireworks in the night sky. He told me of his elder brothers, all three of whom had gone off to the war never to return home. I asked him if he was afraid when the air raids were going on but he said that it was a different sort of feeling and that he had been hiding in a hole under the temple with his parents at the time. This is the first time since I have been in Japan that someone has brought up the war and certainly there own experience of it. I was very grateful to Mr Watanabe not only for giving me a lift but for sharing so much of himself with a perfect stranger.
Once Mr Watanabe had left I had something to eat and went back out to the on ramp to try and get my next lift. I was only a few kilometres from the Nagano exit so I was worried that noone would be exiting there after stopping at Matsushiro Service Area, why wouldn't they just keep going? There were far fewer cars than at the Saitama Service Area I got my first lift at and noone seemed to be stopping to ask me where I was going. Eventually a bunch of young people in a minivan pulled over and asked me where I was going but when I told them, Hakuba, they laughed and told me that I was on the wrong side. I didn't really believe them but given my luck so far I decided to have a look. I wandered around until I found a back way into the other service area and walked around trying to work out where it was. I decided that I was in fact, right in the first place when an older gentlemen asked me in English where I was from. We spoke for a bit and I told him where I was going and what I was doing. As it turns out they were on their way back from the very place and I had been at the right service area the first time. We talked for a bit and then I walked back around the back and back to my post. A few cars passed and then one headed straight at me, stopped and a young man asked me where I was going. I said Nagano and he said OK and I got in. As it turns out they were just driving around for the fun of it and didn't have any particular goal in mind.
My internet is about to run out so for now, this is all, to be continued.
I got up really early after a late night of checking and rechecking maps after getting back late from drinking and eating with friends in Koenji (missed the last train and had to get a taxi part of the way home). I caught the train out to Tsurese as instructed by wikitravel's hitch hiking in Japan page and then got the bus to the Saitama Central Hospital. It was easy to find the service entrance to the Expressway Service Area nearby and I walked past the security gate without a glance. Once inside I pulled myself together mentally and then went out to the on-ramp, stood in a safe place next to the traffic and put out my thumb! I held up a sign saying `I can speak Japanese` once again following the wikitravel page advice and within a few minutes I got my first ride.
Mr Watanabe, a painter by trade, was making his way to Niigata but when he asked me where I was going he actually completely changed his route to drop me off in Nagano. I didn't fully realise this til we were on our way or I might have insisted he not do so but as it was he seemed happy, I was very happy and apart from the strong smell of paint fumes I had a comfortable ride to Nagano. Mr Watanabe was very friendly and conversational. I only understood about half of what he said but when I didn't understand a simple `is that so` seemed to do the trick. He told me a lot about his life over the 3-4 hours we spent together and I came to like him very much. He insisted I have his orange juice which was lovely and cold in the hot, steamy weather. Mr Watanabe told me he actually has very few Japanese friends and that most of his friends are foreigners. He goes to Myanmar every year to visit a Burmese friends who used to live in Japan. He was very critical of the Japanese culture of working all the time and claimed that in all of Asia only Japanese were stupid enough to work all day outside even when the sun was very hot. As a painter he works six days a week in order to make enough money to get by but he didn't sound too happy about it and at the age of 72 it's no wonder.
When we got to the Service Area just before Nagano Mr Watanabe dropped me off. I am sure he would have happily taken me into the town but Japan's expressways are toll roads and in leaving the expressway early he would have incurred much more fees to get to his final destination. He was going to Niigata to visit his parents' grave and to leave an offering for each of them of a bottle of sake. He invited me to have a cup of coffee with him at the Service Area, which he paid for, and he then proceeded to tell me the most interesting things so far. He told me that as a child he remembered the American war planes dropping bombs, looking like fireworks in the night sky. He told me of his elder brothers, all three of whom had gone off to the war never to return home. I asked him if he was afraid when the air raids were going on but he said that it was a different sort of feeling and that he had been hiding in a hole under the temple with his parents at the time. This is the first time since I have been in Japan that someone has brought up the war and certainly there own experience of it. I was very grateful to Mr Watanabe not only for giving me a lift but for sharing so much of himself with a perfect stranger.
Once Mr Watanabe had left I had something to eat and went back out to the on ramp to try and get my next lift. I was only a few kilometres from the Nagano exit so I was worried that noone would be exiting there after stopping at Matsushiro Service Area, why wouldn't they just keep going? There were far fewer cars than at the Saitama Service Area I got my first lift at and noone seemed to be stopping to ask me where I was going. Eventually a bunch of young people in a minivan pulled over and asked me where I was going but when I told them, Hakuba, they laughed and told me that I was on the wrong side. I didn't really believe them but given my luck so far I decided to have a look. I wandered around until I found a back way into the other service area and walked around trying to work out where it was. I decided that I was in fact, right in the first place when an older gentlemen asked me in English where I was from. We spoke for a bit and I told him where I was going and what I was doing. As it turns out they were on their way back from the very place and I had been at the right service area the first time. We talked for a bit and then I walked back around the back and back to my post. A few cars passed and then one headed straight at me, stopped and a young man asked me where I was going. I said Nagano and he said OK and I got in. As it turns out they were just driving around for the fun of it and didn't have any particular goal in mind.
My internet is about to run out so for now, this is all, to be continued.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Getting Drunk at Mt Takao
Yesterday I went up Mt Takao with some people from work. We went to sample the delights of the all you can eat all you can drink \3300 smorgasbord. I didn't realise that we were going to hike up the mountain first and forgot to allow time for breakfast before leaving the house. Needless to say I ate and drank my money's worth when we finally sat down to eat.
This is my second time to climb Mt Takao. Caitlin and I trekked up it when she was here. It is not a particularly challenging climb but the scenery is fantastic. It is really close to both central Tokyo and my place. I think it is in the north-west corner of the city. Mt Takao is really popular among day trippers and all the trails were clogged with hikers of all ages. There is a really beautiful temple near the summit which we skipped this time but Caitlin and I visited when we were there. There is a fire festival held which I hope to see. I think I have to wait til next year though.
There are numerous trails leading up the mountain. We took trail 6 up this time. Last timeI went down by thesame route. It is lined with old cedars and follows a creek bed so it is very beautiful. It passes the beautiful Biwa shrine which enshrines the spirit of a sacred waterfall under which ascetics sit to purify themselves in the cold mountain water.
After lunch we took our full bellies down the mountain by cable car and allowed our muddled heads to clear on the train. Then I went shopping and bought a new camera. I am writing this on my mobile on the train to go climb Mount Fuji with some of the teachers from my traiming group. I will post the pictures from my new camera when I get back.
This is my second time to climb Mt Takao. Caitlin and I trekked up it when she was here. It is not a particularly challenging climb but the scenery is fantastic. It is really close to both central Tokyo and my place. I think it is in the north-west corner of the city. Mt Takao is really popular among day trippers and all the trails were clogged with hikers of all ages. There is a really beautiful temple near the summit which we skipped this time but Caitlin and I visited when we were there. There is a fire festival held which I hope to see. I think I have to wait til next year though.
There are numerous trails leading up the mountain. We took trail 6 up this time. Last timeI went down by thesame route. It is lined with old cedars and follows a creek bed so it is very beautiful. It passes the beautiful Biwa shrine which enshrines the spirit of a sacred waterfall under which ascetics sit to purify themselves in the cold mountain water.
After lunch we took our full bellies down the mountain by cable car and allowed our muddled heads to clear on the train. Then I went shopping and bought a new camera. I am writing this on my mobile on the train to go climb Mount Fuji with some of the teachers from my traiming group. I will post the pictures from my new camera when I get back.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
BrainBusted
My brain has been well and truly busted, thanks to the BrainBusters party crew. Before I left Australia I was looking up parties in Japan and happened upon the BrainBusters website. Being in English it was easy for me to read and their parties looked good, so I decided to go to the first party I could: Sister Reality 2, last weekend (August 2-3). When I got here I bought my ticket online and paid for it by bank deposit using an ATM all in Japanese! Confirmation in hand I have been eagerly anticipating the party but unsure how to get there. The party was at the top of Mt Jyoumine in the Chichibu region of Saitama Prefecture. The directions on the website were all in Japanese and the place was only accessible by car or by very arduous bicycle (I actually met one guy at the party who had ridden from his home in Tochigi prefecture and was planning to return the same way!). Taxi looked expensive, about 5000 yen, so I wasn't sure what to do.The party organisers promised to keep a lookout and suggested I have a look on Mixi. Mixi is the Japanese equivalent of Facebook and appears to be well used by psychadelic party people. I posted my request for a lift or taxi share and promptly received a reply from a guy called Kou to share a taxi. So, having exchanged phone numbers and made arrangements I was set! Then I got a phone call offering a free pick-up from the station, keen to save money I wanted to take it but thought I should see whether Kou could get a ride too. In the end this fell through due to Japanese/English communication problems and I met up with Kou at Minano station and caught a taxi. The taxi driver didn't seem to know where he was going and ended up having to ask for directions on the way. When Kou asked him if he had a map he revealed that he had left it at the taxi station! Still, we found the right road eventually and wound our way up the steep, narrow road to the camp ground. When we arrived the total cost was just under 6000yen or about $30 each making it a rather expensive journey but as it turned out, worth it.
Most of the campsites were taken by the time we got there at about 10pm so we had to scout around. Luckily we found a small bit of flattish ground and pitched out tents. I bought my tent the day before on a morning shopping expedition in Ikebukuro before work. It turned out to be a beautiful little tent which I think will serve me well wherever I go. It's really small and light and easy to set up. It turned out to be kind of unnecessary as I didn't sleep but having it there gave me some comfort nonetheless. After setting up we cruised over to the dancefloor and checked out the vibe. The party seemed to be kicking off and people were starting to dance but it was still early. We wandered around a bit, had a drink and Kou introduced me to some people. I started getting into the music and began to dance. I felt a bit self-conscious, as I usually do when dancing, but kept going and started to shake it off. The evening turned into morning and I continued to dance, wander around, catch up with Kou, have a drink, get introduced to a few people and just generally enjoy the party vibe. It was an intense sort of feeling though. I felt very much that I didn't really know anyone and felt kind of anxious. Being around lots of people who know each other well and are really happy and comfortable can be confronting when you are feeling isolated, nervous and afraid. Nevertheless, the pounding psytrance beat tends to reduce this problem as one just moves out onto the dance floor and keeps on dancing.
I started to explore the shrine by the dancefloor after a while. At first it seemed kind of forbidding. Red lights were trained on the torii gates and stone stairs and beyond that was very dark. As I started to notice other people entering the shrine grounds I decided it was cool and went up. I paid my respects to the kami of the shrine by bowing and clapping my hands twice in the customary way. I felt very much that the kami's presence was benevolent and that both the party and myself were being held by this mysterious energy. The kami in this case is the mountain itself which is treated as a spiritual being capable of intercession in the world of human beings. I noticed with some interest the combination of respect and disregard people displayed toward the shrine. On the one hand many, many people paid a visit to the shrine during the party and many of them bowed and clapped their hands or rang the bell. At the same time there was no problem with dancing in the shrine grounds, on the stairs or drinking and smoking in the shrine. As there was no fence there was no clear separation between the shrine and the surrounding camp ground and mountain. This is what I love about shinto, it is not really a religion and it doesn't seem to demand any particular belief or stringent attention to protocol. I observed some of the worshipers were actually teaching each other about the correct way to bow and clap one's hands at a shrine. I also realised that the obaachan (granny) who is caretaker for the camp ground almost certainly had responsibility for the shrine as well and that her approval of the party, which was of course necessary to have it there, included her approval of the shrine being included in the party. It is impossible to think of a church in Australia playing host to a psytrance party unless it was some weird evangelical thing in which they tried to use music to recruit young people.
As the dawn came I ventured up the mountain and rather than heading straight to the summit I turned left at a sign which said something about a rock and found myself on a footpath leading around the side of the mountain. As I reached the end voices welcomed me and I climbed up the chain on the rock and chatted with some partygoers who were relaxing in a rather precarious position on the rocky cliff face. It turns out that some old samurai in the Heike period (a long time ago) retreated when he was defeated in battle. I'd like to find out more about this story but for now that is about all I caught. My informants spoke in Japanese very quickly so it was a bit hard to follow. A second chain led up an even steeper piece of rock at the top of which was a sort of cave-like hollow, sanctified with a small shinto symbol. Once the others left I relaxed there a little and breathed in the beautiful scenery and moist mountain air. The humidity was intense. I headed back along the path and up the trail to the summit. It wasn't far and many people were making the same trek. At the top was a tiny stone shrine marking the summit and beside it a modern day temple: the mobile phone tower. A staircase led up the tower to a viewing platform which provided an amazing view. Heaps of colourfully dressed people were hanging out up there enjoying the morning light.
Once I found my way back to the dancefloor I began to dance once again. Kou introduced me to more people, it was easier to see them in the light, and I proceeded to spend most of the rest of the day freaking out about the fact that I was alone in Japan and alone at the party. The fact that I talked, if briefly, to numerous interesting people didn't really occur to me at the time but that is the nature of my neurosis! Again, the beauty of a psytrance party is that all of the neurosis can be channeled into the repetitive dance of the deep base beat. I danced and danced and danced and worried and worried and worried and got sunburnt and tired and sweated like a pig, took no real rest and in the end my brain was busted! Whenever I got too tired I just sat on the fence next to the dance floor and looked out over the party or the mountains and valleys below. Other times I went up into the shrine and sat with my back against the plinth of the guardian dogs and stared at the trees and at the people below. I started to pull myself together in the afternoon. I chatted to a German guy I met at a psytrance record shop called Quintrix in Shibuya and in doing so met one of the party organisers, Dana. He recognised my name from my email requesting help to get to the party. I later met Nick, one of the other oranisers and a DJ at the party and thanked him for helping me too. His set, which occurred in the early morning, was particularly good. I even met a nice brown dog who let me pet him and think about my own beloved canine.
Then the real fun began! Dana was eating udon which was made by the obaachan (granny) who manages the campground. I enjoyed my first real food in more than 24 hours and chatted briefly with some people. Then Dana said that we were going to make mochi, Japanese rice cake. Sure enough the obaachan and a man came out with a large wooden mortar, a large wooden mallet and some rice. He then proceeded to macerate the rice with the mallet for about 15 minutes. It looked like really hard work. Then the real fun began! The obaachan came out and added some water to the mix and kneaded the gelatinous ball of rice. Then the first volunteer, Dana, began to pound the rice with the mallet. Each time he pounded the obaachan would bend over (she was very short) and readjust the mass ready for the next blow. Sometimes she would add some water, other times not. She had a smile on her face but it looked really dangerous because as her head came out of the mortar the mallet would be coming down ready to strike. Lots of people had a go, including a small child. A couple of times people hit the sides of the mortar which resulted in splinters breaking off and entering the mochi. This did not please the obaachan at all. Eventually, after I had a go and went for a wander, I came back to find the mochi ready and bought a piece with some soy sauce and daikon radish for 300 yen. I wasn't really in the mood for mochi, which is super gelatinous, and managed to pass it off on some other people back at the dancefloor.
As the afternoon wore on I began to wear out. When the music eventually stopped I went looking for Kou and found him asleep in his tent. Feeling extremely anxious, tired and ready to go home I roused him up, somewhat rudely! and packed up my own gear. I was keen to try and hitch a ride back but he wasn't and out of respect for the kindness he had shown me I decided to stick with him and share a taxi back to the station. By that stage I didn't really have the pluck for hitching anyway, although Dana assured me that it was easy get a lift back from this party as he had done so before. So, we went down to the exit, met the taxi and were whisked away to the Minano train station. We waited on the tiny country train station and eventually a train came and we headed back to the city. As our train pulled into a small platform futrher along the line, who should I see but my manager from work on the other platform! He didn't see me and eventually his train came and he got on. Considering I was far out in the countryside I thought this was quite a coincidence. When I finally got home I bought a beer, a small packet of cashew nuts and sat down at my computer. I talked to Caitlin on the phone, burst into tears, whined and moaned and poured out my anxiety, carefully saved up from the 24 hours of party madness. Luckily, she ministered to my psychological hurts with equal measures of compassion and common sense and I was able to go to sleep feeling much better. My brain was busted, opened up to receive the celestial light and brought back together by the intercession of love.
Thank you BrainBusters, I'll see you in September!
Click the picture for the photos!
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| BrainBuste |
Here are some Youtube clips from the party:
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Videos of Anti-G8 Demos in Tokyo
On Sunday 29 June a demonstration was held in Shinjuku in the centre of Tokyo to protest the G8 summit. The G8 is an undemocratic cartel made up of the leaders of the world's richest nations. The leaders meeting is currently being held in the northern island of Hokkaido.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Departing
Here I am. Sitting in the airport lounge and waiting for my plane to start boarding. Everything is done. I am ready, or as ready as I can be. Now the next chapter begins. I do not feel sad, at least not yet. Nor do I feel elated. I feel calm. I don't really know what is coming. That is, I know what is coming in terms of work but not life.
I get to see Caitlin soon! It will be five months and a few days apart by the time I see her and I cannot wait.
So I suppose that that is all there is, at least until I arrive and then the journey really begins.
I get to see Caitlin soon! It will be five months and a few days apart by the time I see her and I cannot wait.
So I suppose that that is all there is, at least until I arrive and then the journey really begins.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Seki Ran Kai (Red Waves Society)
Irregular Rhythm Asylum's blog has an account in English of the Seki Ran Kai (Red Waves Society), a pioneering revolutionary feminist group active in Japan in 1921. It can be found here.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Japanese Dreaming
Here I am sitting in bed late on a Monday night thinking about Japan. On 26 June I will take off and begin my adventure. I am starting to feel like time is running out after waiting so long. Destiny has been kind though. I had hoped to leave for Japan earlier in the year but it has worked out perfectly and when 26 June comes along I will be truly ready. I will publish my thoughts, feelings and experiences on this blog as I learn to live, work and party in Japan. Until then ...
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