Life as Poetry

The sadness is welling up inside me again today. It is a quiet weekend and without the noise of the crowd to drown it out I am forced to be alone with my grief and self-doubt.

Life as poetry, I coined this title out of whimsy and a need to find a blog name that wasn't already taken! How little did I realise how true it would be.

I have been questioning myself a lot lately. In particular I am searching for my creativity, for my true life's work. I am a writer, I know that, and I write for myself and for others as the mood strikes me. More than that though I think it is my life itself which is my greatest work. I endeavor to use this life of mine to generate love all around me and in doing so I live my life as a love poem. So from now on I declare myself to be an artist. Life is my canvas and i will dance across it making great, broad strokes of love.

What pain love can bring though! Now all the old stanzas have to fall away and make space for a new chapter. Now I must learn to love again in new ways. I long to discover my own sexuality, my own loving, sexual, caring way of relating to people around me. I am so afraid of this journey, so unsure of where it will lead me. Free love? What is that? I know that for me free love meant choosing not to marry, even when I was sure I had found the love of my life. I cannot stand the idea of imposing any constituted relationship over the free flow of love and passion between two people. Despite the many changes in social norms about love, sex and marriage the mystical union of two people for life still holds great power. (Dear married readers, forgive me, I speak not of your journey or truth but of my own.) The closeness, the intimacy that comes from spending a decade with someone is a beautiful gift but it is fragile.

As this long year of painful separation draws to a close the northern Autumn is closing in. With it comes the premonition of winter and the final, cold severance of my old concept of myself. When the new year dawns I will gather my strength again and as I wait out the winter prepare myself to move once more, move across the surface of the earth.

***

It is later now and by keeping on moving the day's pain has largely passed and been replace by a feeling of quiet satisfaction and happiness. C has really helped to show me in the last few years that the way to confront pain is not to stay home and wallow in misery but to move, get out, see your friends and stay active. I started the day with a long cycle ride and tai chi practice. I actually didn't get back to the house for nearly 3 hours. Then at long last I got home, ate something and finished drafting a proposal for a Masters thesis for next year. I met up with Risa in Kunitachi in the afternoon and had coffee and cake in the grounds of the university. It was nice to chat with someone I have known a little longer and we made plans for a last minute camping trip before the winter comes.

Then this evening I went into Shibuya and took my first dance class. Yay! It's a four week introductory course which demonstrates each of the eight latin styles. Today we did Tango and Rumba. It was so fun and so difficult. I felt like such a clutz but luckily I don't give a fuck! I'm determined to learn to dance well and I know that for someone as clumsy as me that is going to be hard but if I stick with it I can do it. I feel a little sorry for my partners who have little choice but to deal with my enormous frame and clumsy feet but there ain't nothing I can do about it! It's wonderful to feel like I know I look stupid and not to really care. One day I won't look stupid, I'll look sexy! I can't imagine how good it will feel to be able to go to a salsa party and ask someone to dance and be able to do it. I love psytrance dancing with its 'no rules' stomping dance but there is something very beautiful about a more structured form. I guess I think of it as being a bit like Tai Chi, the form exists to help the individual style to emerge. Furthermore, I am sure that dance will help make me a little less clumsy and that can only be a good thing.

It amazes me that in the space of one day I can feel so low and so high. Well, I don't think I feel high today but certainly happy. I feel like everything is going to be OK. I stopped in at Quintrix, the psytrance record shop in Shibuya on my way home and had a beer at the bar. I chatted with a few people, nicely rounding out the day. I want to go to a psytrance party next Saturday actually but I have to work Sunday so I'm not sure that I'll make it. Can I work 5 hours on 3 hours sleep? Hmmm... The following weekend D-Nox is coming to Tokyo!!!!! That is going to be an amazing night.

These are the ups and downs of my life in Tokyo.