Dreaming

We are quite ordinary women and men, children and old people, that is, rebellious, non-conformist, uncomfortable, dreamers. (Subcomandante Marcos, La Jornada, 4 de agosto de 1999)

I am a dreamer. I fight constantly with myself, telling myself that I ought to dream less and focus on the present more. True as this may be I think it's about time I learnt to love some things about myself which are unlikely to change. Being a dreamer means I can see possibilities in every situation. It enables me to hang on when life seems really hard by imagining a better future. It allows me to see things which other people cannot see. It allows the possibility of living those dreams. As Ella Fitzgerald says: "If you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?"

So I dreamed a dream about life in Japan and here I am. The dream was definitely rosier than the reality! I completely underestimated the challenges which would lie in wait for me here. Now I am single, working in a corporate job which I hate and living alone in the drab outskirts of Tokyo! All these worries prey on my mind, especially now and especially since my birthday a month ago. Birthdays make us think about where we are in life. Sitting alone in a cheap ramen restaurant drinking beer was not really the place I wanted to be on my birthday this year. Fortunately I had a great farewell party before I left so I will retrospectively proclaim it my farewell/pre-birthday party! Last night my friend Gavin had a skype birthday party which I unfortunately missed. I spoke to him though and he said it was a little schizophrenic but very rewarding.

Yet being alone in one sense I am not in another. My friends and family in Australia have continued to be extremely supportive and their love is what has kept me going in the last week. As tears well up in my eyes and my heart feels like it is being crushed in a vice, a kind word on facebook or a skype call nurses me back to life. Doing tai chi this morning in what I will call my forest of sadnessI feel no chi in my hands. I try to focus the chi but it is all bound up in a horrible knot in my stomach so I just wave my hands in the air in the appropriate way and hope that the next day, or the next I will be able to focus.

I can't help but feel that I needed to be in a position where I have little choice but to rely on myself. I have relied on my partner to know who I am but only I can know that.

I am pushing out too (thanks Mehtap). Each week brings me new friends. There is something exciting about this because people I don't know and have no real previous connection show an interest in getting to know me. As much as I think we have to find our self worth in our selves there is no doubt that friendships of all sorts play an important role in helping us build a secure self-image. Japan is full of amazing people and I think I have been pretty lucky so far in the people that I have met.

So let me re-imagine the current reality of my Japanese dream. I am living in a wonderful, different and exciting place meeting lots of new and interesting people. My apartment is in a nice, quiet area surrounded by vegetable plots and close to a large forest which lovingly embraces my tai chi practice. I am facing the corporate monster that is my work each day and coming out in one piece. I am continuing to develop my relationships with people in Australia and around the world via the wonderful medium of the internet. I am writing an awesome blog and last but not least:

I am dreaming my way back into myself.

Niiza and Surrounds