Another weekend has come to an end and back to work this morning. Every week going back to work gets easier as I get more and more used to it. I have a lot more power at work now, particularly as I only have about 4 months left there so I don't really care anymore what happens. Yay! It would be so funny to hop in a time machine and go back to myself about 5 months ago when I was so freaked out and say "See, it really is going to be OK."
To say weekend is probably an understatement. I actually had an extended weekend that lasted all week! Tuesday night last week went out with Michiko and some of her friends for dinner at an Okinawan restaurant near Shiki. Good food, good company, good atmosphere. Good feeling of sitting next to my beautiful friend Michiko and feeling her warmth. I dropped in at a cool bar on my way home for a drink and chatted with a bunch of tanked people who were celebrating somebody's birthday party. Then finally went home to bed.
On Wednesday I went to the arts and crafts exhibition as mentioned in previous post. Then Thursday went to a bar in Ebisu where my friend Ian was playing some nice progressive/psy beats and my friend Jaime was having a little birthday party. Then went to a little bar in Waseda and spent the night immersed in a cloud of good conversation and cheap beer. This was the coolest bar I've ever been too! Had lots of fun talking to old friends and new. Got home finally at about 7:30 am and stayed up for hours crying and writing on facebook. Felt thoroughly purged when I finally went to bed at about 10am and then had lots of fun trying to stay awake at work.
Then Friday night went to Ikebukuro to have dinner with Dwight, yay! Dwight has arrived in Japan. We spent ages trying to find somewhere promising to eat but ended up at a chain izakaya (Japanese bar/restaurant). Great to catch up and hang out with someone I have actually known for more than 5 minutes. Dwight just got back from his first two weeks in Japan which were spent in Hokkaido snowboarding and visiting the Ice festival in Sapporo.
Saturday night was earth groove. I have been looking forward to this party for quite a while. Valentine's day at work was rather saturated with chocolate so I left there feeling vaguely sick. Went home and had some dinner and then got ready to go out. I wanted to stop at a bar in Koenji on my way but ended up getting there so late I could only stay for about half an hour. Nevertheless, at least I got to hang out with some groovy people and get myself ready for the earth groove. A really nice American guy called Jeremy runs the bar on a Saturday night. He has lived in Japan for several years and speaks really good Japanese. Then got an email from Michiko that said no can do short term relationship. Sad. But OK. It was fun. Felt beautiful again.
Finally arrived in Aoyama and after walking straight past the venue and along the street for quite some distance made my way there. Earth Groove was organised by Emilie whom I have heard about but never met. She organises parties under the name Parties for Peace. The parties are meant to promote peace and this one being a fundraiser for a campaign to protect Patagonia. The music is techno/house which means it doesn't have quite the deep bass that I'm used to. It was good for hanging out and chatting to. I met lots of people and finally chatted properly to Ian and Mitsu who are a really beautiful couple. Thought about trying to flirt a bit but only ended up talking to women already in relationships! I think I just didn't have it in me. I've been a little too introspective lately. Not really the kind of mood that can sustain flirtation. The wheel keeps turning and these kinds of moods take hold of me for a while, move through me and then go. Finally left the party at about 5am and walked to the station with Ian and Mitsu. I managed to sleep on the train at every point and wake up exactly at my station - I must be getting used to this.
Sunday was quiet. Went for a swim and then Dwight came over and we carried his boxes to his new place in Itabashi ward. So exciting! His place is nice, quite roomy. He cooked me dinner and we talked about Japan, relatioships, music, parties, the arrogance of most DJs and about a thousand other things. So nice to have a good friend come to live in Japan. Monday I spent at home pretending to write my research proposal and finally actually started doing some real work on it very late at night. Went swimming on Sunday and Monday at a pool in Asaka. Now here we are! It's Tuesday again - ready for another week? Well, ready or not.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Arts and Crafts
Today I went to see the Life and Art: Arts & Crafts from Morris to Mingei exhibition at the Tokyo City Museum in Ueno. I met up with my friend Naoko. I met Naoko in Australia when I was studying homoeopathy and we became dear friends. Since I have come to Japan we seem to have trouble actually meeting up all that time but whenever we do it is wonderful. It is so nice to spend time with someone I actually know well. Naoko lives in Yokohama, which is on the opposite side of Tokyo from Saitama and hence we are pretty far away from one another.
I received tickets to the exhibition from my Japanese teacher so we got in for free, yay! The exhibition was really well put together. There was some explanation in English and more in Japanese but more than this it was the way it was put together that gave a real sense of the development of the movement itself. I have seen a couple of Arts & Crafts Movement exhibitions in Australia but never managed to grasp the philosophical meaning of their work. It just seemed pretty. This exhibition really emphasised the artists vision of nature and a kind of romantic reaction to industrialisation. In looking at the exhibition from this point of view though, I have to say that I lost a lot of my admiration for their work.
Arts & Crafts is mostly just that, arts and crafts which are functional. Furniture, tapestries, tableware, wallpapers, books, clothing, stained glass windows, vases, crockery etc. One of the first things that struck me was the obvious expense of the objects, even when they were made. They were clearly not accessible to most people and their were many photos of the expensive manners for which large interior design commissions were created. There is a profound opposition in the works to the idea of modernity. Human figures are draped in high feudal dress robes, nature is exhalted and in one particular series of works on the four seasons there was an intensely romanticised image of country peasant life. One gets the impression that in the face of the horrors of late nineteenth century industrialisation the artists could conceptualise of little else than a flight into a mythic, idyllic past. There are many references to mythology in the works, such as to the myth of St. George and the dragon. The irony is that only the winners in the industrial revolution could possibly have been able to afford these pieces.
The incredible beauty of many of the works is seen in the roundness of lines and the use of colour. The salute to nature is also infectious. There is one tapestry in the exhibition of a woodland scene filled with animals which bears a motto commanding to gaze upon nature with wonder and not to interfere. This beautiful idealism is certainly one of the admirable qualities of this body of work. I'm not sure how to describe the colours. There is a lot of use of bright colour as well as pastel greens and blues in some of the nature scenes.
An interesting feature of this exhibition was the connection made to the Mingei crafts movement in Japan which was directly influenced by Arts & Crafts. These pieces were predominantly traditional Japanese in style with a nuance of Arts & Crafts style. If they had not been presented as part of the exhibition I would never have made the connection. Nevertheless, I didn't realise that Arts & Crafts had such a wide influence. There was a section on Arts & Crafts influence in Europe too. I particularly liked some of the German pieces which included many posters. There seemed to be a slightly more Art Deco feeling to the German stuff where the English work is overwhelmingly Art Nouveau.
This analysis is based entirely on my own feelings. It may not be accurate historically.
After the exhibition we went to Koenji and had dinner at Yoyo-san's delicious vegetarian cafe Vege Shokudou (べじ食堂）. Then we had coffee at this cool coffee bar I have wanted to visit for ages. Once again my love of Koenji has been reaffirmed!
I received tickets to the exhibition from my Japanese teacher so we got in for free, yay! The exhibition was really well put together. There was some explanation in English and more in Japanese but more than this it was the way it was put together that gave a real sense of the development of the movement itself. I have seen a couple of Arts & Crafts Movement exhibitions in Australia but never managed to grasp the philosophical meaning of their work. It just seemed pretty. This exhibition really emphasised the artists vision of nature and a kind of romantic reaction to industrialisation. In looking at the exhibition from this point of view though, I have to say that I lost a lot of my admiration for their work.
Arts & Crafts is mostly just that, arts and crafts which are functional. Furniture, tapestries, tableware, wallpapers, books, clothing, stained glass windows, vases, crockery etc. One of the first things that struck me was the obvious expense of the objects, even when they were made. They were clearly not accessible to most people and their were many photos of the expensive manners for which large interior design commissions were created. There is a profound opposition in the works to the idea of modernity. Human figures are draped in high feudal dress robes, nature is exhalted and in one particular series of works on the four seasons there was an intensely romanticised image of country peasant life. One gets the impression that in the face of the horrors of late nineteenth century industrialisation the artists could conceptualise of little else than a flight into a mythic, idyllic past. There are many references to mythology in the works, such as to the myth of St. George and the dragon. The irony is that only the winners in the industrial revolution could possibly have been able to afford these pieces.
The incredible beauty of many of the works is seen in the roundness of lines and the use of colour. The salute to nature is also infectious. There is one tapestry in the exhibition of a woodland scene filled with animals which bears a motto commanding to gaze upon nature with wonder and not to interfere. This beautiful idealism is certainly one of the admirable qualities of this body of work. I'm not sure how to describe the colours. There is a lot of use of bright colour as well as pastel greens and blues in some of the nature scenes.
An interesting feature of this exhibition was the connection made to the Mingei crafts movement in Japan which was directly influenced by Arts & Crafts. These pieces were predominantly traditional Japanese in style with a nuance of Arts & Crafts style. If they had not been presented as part of the exhibition I would never have made the connection. Nevertheless, I didn't realise that Arts & Crafts had such a wide influence. There was a section on Arts & Crafts influence in Europe too. I particularly liked some of the German pieces which included many posters. There seemed to be a slightly more Art Deco feeling to the German stuff where the English work is overwhelmingly Art Nouveau.
This analysis is based entirely on my own feelings. It may not be accurate historically.
After the exhibition we went to Koenji and had dinner at Yoyo-san's delicious vegetarian cafe Vege Shokudou (べじ食堂）. Then we had coffee at this cool coffee bar I have wanted to visit for ages. Once again my love of Koenji has been reaffirmed!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Lines from Blake
Some lines from William Blake:
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And Heaven in a Wild Flower;
To hold infinity in the Palm of your Hand
And Eternity in an Hour
***
He who binds to himself a joy
Doth the winged life destroy.
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in Eternity's sunrise
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And Heaven in a Wild Flower;
To hold infinity in the Palm of your Hand
And Eternity in an Hour
***
He who binds to himself a joy
Doth the winged life destroy.
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in Eternity's sunrise
Thursday, October 23, 2008
An End to Fear
An overly ambitious title! I arrived in this country on such a high, dreams and imaginations filled my mind and even the first weeks grueling training couldn't suppress my joy. The moment I stepped into my apartment though and the manager who showed me to it closed the door I was overcome with fear and loneliness. One way or another these two feelings have predominated in my experiences in Japan so far. No matter how many wonderful things I have done or great people I have met the overwhelming feeling has been one of depression and fear and misery.
Now that is starting to lift! Have you been depressed, dear reader? I imagine you have, as most of us have at one time or another. The lifting of that veil is itself a frightening process. It is scary to let go of feeling bad all the time. To contemplate the fact that perhaps the joy you are looking for is already present in this moment. It is raining in Saitama Prefecture right now. How can I put into words the beauty of rain in Japan. Rain that doesnt flit in and flit out but sets in and pours down for hours and days at a time. Rain that truly deserves to be called rain.
I have been grieving the end of my long term relationship for three weeks now. Three weeks are nothing really when compared to the many years of my life I am trying to come to terms of. In many ways this is just the beginning. At the same time the intensity of the grief is getting less. I am starting to feel more secure in myself. In the last week I have even experienced extended feelings of joy and contentedness even amidst the work week. Twice this week I went to bed before midnight. Simple things like this are quite unfamiliar to me. I am beginning to think I might actually be able to enjoy my life here. I am so used to thinking myself into all kinds of traps which take me away from the lived experience of each day. I search for epic projects which will overwhelm my time and capacity to just sit and read a novel for the sheer pleasure of it. I am reading Harry Potter now. The guilt I feel just sitting and reading in the morning, despite the fact that I have nothing more pressing to do, is intense. Emails I might vaguely want to write press on my mind as if they are matters of life and death and I am a bad person for sitting with my book instead.
Ha! I will defeat you guilty conscience! I have nothing particular to do here in Japan, everything is up to me. I am free. I am even learning, somehow, to enjoy work! Something I never thought I could say and something which itself scares me quite a bit. Yet I have many beautiful children with whom to play English language games and a mass of interesting people from whom I can learn different things about life.
Perhaps this is the most vague and rambling of my posts so far! I know not. All I know is I had to give voice to the joy which threatens to infest my heart. Pure and simple joy of living.
Now that is starting to lift! Have you been depressed, dear reader? I imagine you have, as most of us have at one time or another. The lifting of that veil is itself a frightening process. It is scary to let go of feeling bad all the time. To contemplate the fact that perhaps the joy you are looking for is already present in this moment. It is raining in Saitama Prefecture right now. How can I put into words the beauty of rain in Japan. Rain that doesnt flit in and flit out but sets in and pours down for hours and days at a time. Rain that truly deserves to be called rain.
I have been grieving the end of my long term relationship for three weeks now. Three weeks are nothing really when compared to the many years of my life I am trying to come to terms of. In many ways this is just the beginning. At the same time the intensity of the grief is getting less. I am starting to feel more secure in myself. In the last week I have even experienced extended feelings of joy and contentedness even amidst the work week. Twice this week I went to bed before midnight. Simple things like this are quite unfamiliar to me. I am beginning to think I might actually be able to enjoy my life here. I am so used to thinking myself into all kinds of traps which take me away from the lived experience of each day. I search for epic projects which will overwhelm my time and capacity to just sit and read a novel for the sheer pleasure of it. I am reading Harry Potter now. The guilt I feel just sitting and reading in the morning, despite the fact that I have nothing more pressing to do, is intense. Emails I might vaguely want to write press on my mind as if they are matters of life and death and I am a bad person for sitting with my book instead.
Ha! I will defeat you guilty conscience! I have nothing particular to do here in Japan, everything is up to me. I am free. I am even learning, somehow, to enjoy work! Something I never thought I could say and something which itself scares me quite a bit. Yet I have many beautiful children with whom to play English language games and a mass of interesting people from whom I can learn different things about life.
Perhaps this is the most vague and rambling of my posts so far! I know not. All I know is I had to give voice to the joy which threatens to infest my heart. Pure and simple joy of living.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Shibuya and Harajuku with Tim and Fi
Last weekend (Oct 11-13) I was lucky enough to have a visit from Tim and Fi who my devoted readers first encountered at Nozawa Onsen. On their way home to Australia they stopped in for a dance and general exploration of Tokyo. They couldn't have come at a better time as I really needed people to talk to and I really needed to go out and have some fun. And fun was had by all!
On Saturday night after work we went into Koenji and had a very pleasant drink and snacks at a small izakaya where we could sit outside. The streets of Koenji are small and windy and full of small shops and interesting people so just hanging out and watching the world go by is an experience. Despite the fact that I haven't really had a relationship with Tim since primary school and I had only just met Fi they were very supportive and helped me to come to terms with my grief. At the same time we could talk about lots of positive things too and reflect on the experience of being in Japan. They have been here a lot longer than me but also in a very different way so we all had different aspects of the experience to bring together and reflect upon.
We headed to a small bar which is part of 'Amateur Riot' and had another drink before catching the last train back to Niiza. This small bar is really cool and has a really interesting feel. The guy behind the bar on Saturday night, Jeremy, lives in Koenji and speaks fluent Japanese. I have been wanting to get over there and hang out with him for ages but one thing or another kept coming up so I am glad I finally had the chance.
On Sunday morning we had a delicious breakfast at home and then headed into the city. Finding lockers for their stuff in Shibuya station was not easy and all the large one's were taken so we just made musical instruments out of them instead. Then we headed over to Harajuku to find Yoyogi park and see all the interesting people who hang out there. Unfortunately we took a wrong turn, missed the entrance by about 50 metres and spent nearly 2 hours wandering through the garden of Meiji shrine, managing to do a complete circuit of Yoyogi park without encountering it.
Of course, the gardens are beautiful - a grand forest in the middle of Tokyo but the huge crowds of tourists weren't really the people we came to watch. At long last after a circuit which took me past the location of my orientation camp when I first came to Japan at the old Olympic village we found the park entrance.
First we passed the homeless people's tent village and found our first port of call - a cup of tea at the barter cafe. Two artists live in the tent village and have done for 5 years. They run a barter cafe on the weekends. I was able to swap some Australian animal key rings for my cup of tea and cake while Tim and Fi put on a performance involving juggling and playing some interesting hand-held percussion instruments they found at a hippie festival. We were entertained by a man from Shibuya who told us all kinds of anecdotes and gave us Japanese names.
True to form the park itself was awesome and full of people hanging out, playing musical instruments, practicing dance moves, juggling and getting up to all sorts of high jinks. Tim and Fi joined the jugglers and were able to borrow various pieces of equipment. I went and had a tai chi practice next to them as I can't juggle. We wandered around a bit in Harajuku and looked at some cool little clothes shops before meeting up with Matt (a teacher I met during my trainign) and heading over to Shibuya. The destination was a club called Module which was having a Drum 'n' Bass night. I'm not familiar with Drum 'n' Bass but Tim and Fi are into it and I am keen to expand my musical horizons.
It was awesome. I thought some of the music was pretty ordinary while parts of it were really good. More importantly though I was able to dance and dance and let go of some of the tension which has been building up inside me ever since C and I separated. Chikako from my work came along as well and brought a friend. She isn't a regular club goer but after a while she started dancing too. I love it when people start to enjoy dancing, we all need to dance! The club itself was small but just the right size really for the crowd although it did get very hot. After the music finished Tim and Fi and I headed out to experience the night in Shibuya. It finished at 11pm so there was plenty of time. We went shopping in a discount store called Don Quixote and then sat near the Hachiko entrance to Shibuya station and drank, chatted and watched the people moving all around us. There are so many people in Shibuya! Although by 4 am it was looking distinctly empty, noone crossing at the big crossing. 
After that we went to try and find a bar I have been to once but unfortunately it was closed so we just got some more beers at a convenience store and drank them on the street. We checked out love hotels for a cheap nights accommodation but they didn't seem so cheap, especially when you are comparing an internet cafe which costs next to nothing. We found a yaki-niku restaurant which had cheap beer and I promptly fell asleep (it was pretty late). Eventually Tim and Fi managed to wake me and we wandered around trying to find an internet cafe to have a rest in. Eventually we found one but all the men's seats were taken. After much wandering around deciding what to do we went back there, Fi took a place and Tim and I sat in the waiting area. You pay a basic hourly rate even to sit in the waiting area but it includes access to the drink bar and soft serve icecream. I knew that what I needed after being up all night, drinking, eating grilled meat and dancing was two soft serve icecreams so I ate them and felt horribly sick. A place came up pretty quickly but it was nearly time for the first train so I deferred to Tim and headed home to bed.
Thanks Tim and Fi and Matt and Chikako and Ayako!
On Saturday night after work we went into Koenji and had a very pleasant drink and snacks at a small izakaya where we could sit outside. The streets of Koenji are small and windy and full of small shops and interesting people so just hanging out and watching the world go by is an experience. Despite the fact that I haven't really had a relationship with Tim since primary school and I had only just met Fi they were very supportive and helped me to come to terms with my grief. At the same time we could talk about lots of positive things too and reflect on the experience of being in Japan. They have been here a lot longer than me but also in a very different way so we all had different aspects of the experience to bring together and reflect upon.
We headed to a small bar which is part of 'Amateur Riot' and had another drink before catching the last train back to Niiza. This small bar is really cool and has a really interesting feel. The guy behind the bar on Saturday night, Jeremy, lives in Koenji and speaks fluent Japanese. I have been wanting to get over there and hang out with him for ages but one thing or another kept coming up so I am glad I finally had the chance.
On Sunday morning we had a delicious breakfast at home and then headed into the city. Finding lockers for their stuff in Shibuya station was not easy and all the large one's were taken so we just made musical instruments out of them instead. Then we headed over to Harajuku to find Yoyogi park and see all the interesting people who hang out there. Unfortunately we took a wrong turn, missed the entrance by about 50 metres and spent nearly 2 hours wandering through the garden of Meiji shrine, managing to do a complete circuit of Yoyogi park without encountering it.
Of course, the gardens are beautiful - a grand forest in the middle of Tokyo but the huge crowds of tourists weren't really the people we came to watch. At long last after a circuit which took me past the location of my orientation camp when I first came to Japan at the old Olympic village we found the park entrance.
First we passed the homeless people's tent village and found our first port of call - a cup of tea at the barter cafe. Two artists live in the tent village and have done for 5 years. They run a barter cafe on the weekends. I was able to swap some Australian animal key rings for my cup of tea and cake while Tim and Fi put on a performance involving juggling and playing some interesting hand-held percussion instruments they found at a hippie festival. We were entertained by a man from Shibuya who told us all kinds of anecdotes and gave us Japanese names.
True to form the park itself was awesome and full of people hanging out, playing musical instruments, practicing dance moves, juggling and getting up to all sorts of high jinks. Tim and Fi joined the jugglers and were able to borrow various pieces of equipment. I went and had a tai chi practice next to them as I can't juggle. We wandered around a bit in Harajuku and looked at some cool little clothes shops before meeting up with Matt (a teacher I met during my trainign) and heading over to Shibuya. The destination was a club called Module which was having a Drum 'n' Bass night. I'm not familiar with Drum 'n' Bass but Tim and Fi are into it and I am keen to expand my musical horizons.
It was awesome. I thought some of the music was pretty ordinary while parts of it were really good. More importantly though I was able to dance and dance and let go of some of the tension which has been building up inside me ever since C and I separated. Chikako from my work came along as well and brought a friend. She isn't a regular club goer but after a while she started dancing too. I love it when people start to enjoy dancing, we all need to dance! The club itself was small but just the right size really for the crowd although it did get very hot. After the music finished Tim and Fi and I headed out to experience the night in Shibuya. It finished at 11pm so there was plenty of time. We went shopping in a discount store called Don Quixote and then sat near the Hachiko entrance to Shibuya station and drank, chatted and watched the people moving all around us. There are so many people in Shibuya! Although by 4 am it was looking distinctly empty, noone crossing at the big crossing. 
After that we went to try and find a bar I have been to once but unfortunately it was closed so we just got some more beers at a convenience store and drank them on the street. We checked out love hotels for a cheap nights accommodation but they didn't seem so cheap, especially when you are comparing an internet cafe which costs next to nothing. We found a yaki-niku restaurant which had cheap beer and I promptly fell asleep (it was pretty late). Eventually Tim and Fi managed to wake me and we wandered around trying to find an internet cafe to have a rest in. Eventually we found one but all the men's seats were taken. After much wandering around deciding what to do we went back there, Fi took a place and Tim and I sat in the waiting area. You pay a basic hourly rate even to sit in the waiting area but it includes access to the drink bar and soft serve icecream. I knew that what I needed after being up all night, drinking, eating grilled meat and dancing was two soft serve icecreams so I ate them and felt horribly sick. A place came up pretty quickly but it was nearly time for the first train so I deferred to Tim and headed home to bed.
Thanks Tim and Fi and Matt and Chikako and Ayako!
 |
| Tim and Fi and Me in Tokyo |
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Life as Poetry
The sadness is welling up inside me again today. It is a quiet weekend and without the noise of the crowd to drown it out I am forced to be alone with my grief and self-doubt.
Life as poetry, I coined this title out of whimsy and a need to find a blog name that wasn't already taken! How little did I realise how true it would be.
I have been questioning myself a lot lately. In particular I am searching for my creativity, for my true life's work. I am a writer, I know that, and I write for myself and for others as the mood strikes me. More than that though I think it is my life itself which is my greatest work. I endeavor to use this life of mine to generate love all around me and in doing so I live my life as a love poem. So from now on I declare myself to be an artist. Life is my canvas and i will dance across it making great, broad strokes of love.
What pain love can bring though! Now all the old stanzas have to fall away and make space for a new chapter. Now I must learn to love again in new ways. I long to discover my own sexuality, my own loving, sexual, caring way of relating to people around me. I am so afraid of this journey, so unsure of where it will lead me. Free love? What is that? I know that for me free love meant choosing not to marry, even when I was sure I had found the love of my life. I cannot stand the idea of imposing any constituted relationship over the free flow of love and passion between two people. Despite the many changes in social norms about love, sex and marriage the mystical union of two people for life still holds great power. (Dear married readers, forgive me, I speak not of your journey or truth but of my own.) The closeness, the intimacy that comes from spending a decade with someone is a beautiful gift but it is fragile.
As this long year of painful separation draws to a close the northern Autumn is closing in. With it comes the premonition of winter and the final, cold severance of my old concept of myself. When the new year dawns I will gather my strength again and as I wait out the winter prepare myself to move once more, move across the surface of the earth.
***
It is later now and by keeping on moving the day's pain has largely passed and been replace by a feeling of quiet satisfaction and happiness. C has really helped to show me in the last few years that the way to confront pain is not to stay home and wallow in misery but to move, get out, see your friends and stay active. I started the day with a long cycle ride and tai chi practice. I actually didn't get back to the house for nearly 3 hours. Then at long last I got home, ate something and finished drafting a proposal for a Masters thesis for next year. I met up with Risa in Kunitachi in the afternoon and had coffee and cake in the grounds of the university. It was nice to chat with someone I have known a little longer and we made plans for a last minute camping trip before the winter comes.
Then this evening I went into Shibuya and took my first dance class. Yay! It's a four week introductory course which demonstrates each of the eight latin styles. Today we did Tango and Rumba. It was so fun and so difficult. I felt like such a clutz but luckily I don't give a fuck! I'm determined to learn to dance well and I know that for someone as clumsy as me that is going to be hard but if I stick with it I can do it. I feel a little sorry for my partners who have little choice but to deal with my enormous frame and clumsy feet but there ain't nothing I can do about it! It's wonderful to feel like I know I look stupid and not to really care. One day I won't look stupid, I'll look sexy! I can't imagine how good it will feel to be able to go to a salsa party and ask someone to dance and be able to do it. I love psytrance dancing with its 'no rules' stomping dance but there is something very beautiful about a more structured form. I guess I think of it as being a bit like Tai Chi, the form exists to help the individual style to emerge. Furthermore, I am sure that dance will help make me a little less clumsy and that can only be a good thing.
It amazes me that in the space of one day I can feel so low and so high. Well, I don't think I feel high today but certainly happy. I feel like everything is going to be OK. I stopped in at Quintrix, the psytrance record shop in Shibuya on my way home and had a beer at the bar. I chatted with a few people, nicely rounding out the day. I want to go to a psytrance party next Saturday actually but I have to work Sunday so I'm not sure that I'll make it. Can I work 5 hours on 3 hours sleep? Hmmm... The following weekend D-Nox is coming to Tokyo!!!!! That is going to be an amazing night.
These are the ups and downs of my life in Tokyo.
Life as poetry, I coined this title out of whimsy and a need to find a blog name that wasn't already taken! How little did I realise how true it would be.
I have been questioning myself a lot lately. In particular I am searching for my creativity, for my true life's work. I am a writer, I know that, and I write for myself and for others as the mood strikes me. More than that though I think it is my life itself which is my greatest work. I endeavor to use this life of mine to generate love all around me and in doing so I live my life as a love poem. So from now on I declare myself to be an artist. Life is my canvas and i will dance across it making great, broad strokes of love.
What pain love can bring though! Now all the old stanzas have to fall away and make space for a new chapter. Now I must learn to love again in new ways. I long to discover my own sexuality, my own loving, sexual, caring way of relating to people around me. I am so afraid of this journey, so unsure of where it will lead me. Free love? What is that? I know that for me free love meant choosing not to marry, even when I was sure I had found the love of my life. I cannot stand the idea of imposing any constituted relationship over the free flow of love and passion between two people. Despite the many changes in social norms about love, sex and marriage the mystical union of two people for life still holds great power. (Dear married readers, forgive me, I speak not of your journey or truth but of my own.) The closeness, the intimacy that comes from spending a decade with someone is a beautiful gift but it is fragile.
As this long year of painful separation draws to a close the northern Autumn is closing in. With it comes the premonition of winter and the final, cold severance of my old concept of myself. When the new year dawns I will gather my strength again and as I wait out the winter prepare myself to move once more, move across the surface of the earth.
***
It is later now and by keeping on moving the day's pain has largely passed and been replace by a feeling of quiet satisfaction and happiness. C has really helped to show me in the last few years that the way to confront pain is not to stay home and wallow in misery but to move, get out, see your friends and stay active. I started the day with a long cycle ride and tai chi practice. I actually didn't get back to the house for nearly 3 hours. Then at long last I got home, ate something and finished drafting a proposal for a Masters thesis for next year. I met up with Risa in Kunitachi in the afternoon and had coffee and cake in the grounds of the university. It was nice to chat with someone I have known a little longer and we made plans for a last minute camping trip before the winter comes.
Then this evening I went into Shibuya and took my first dance class. Yay! It's a four week introductory course which demonstrates each of the eight latin styles. Today we did Tango and Rumba. It was so fun and so difficult. I felt like such a clutz but luckily I don't give a fuck! I'm determined to learn to dance well and I know that for someone as clumsy as me that is going to be hard but if I stick with it I can do it. I feel a little sorry for my partners who have little choice but to deal with my enormous frame and clumsy feet but there ain't nothing I can do about it! It's wonderful to feel like I know I look stupid and not to really care. One day I won't look stupid, I'll look sexy! I can't imagine how good it will feel to be able to go to a salsa party and ask someone to dance and be able to do it. I love psytrance dancing with its 'no rules' stomping dance but there is something very beautiful about a more structured form. I guess I think of it as being a bit like Tai Chi, the form exists to help the individual style to emerge. Furthermore, I am sure that dance will help make me a little less clumsy and that can only be a good thing.
It amazes me that in the space of one day I can feel so low and so high. Well, I don't think I feel high today but certainly happy. I feel like everything is going to be OK. I stopped in at Quintrix, the psytrance record shop in Shibuya on my way home and had a beer at the bar. I chatted with a few people, nicely rounding out the day. I want to go to a psytrance party next Saturday actually but I have to work Sunday so I'm not sure that I'll make it. Can I work 5 hours on 3 hours sleep? Hmmm... The following weekend D-Nox is coming to Tokyo!!!!! That is going to be an amazing night.
These are the ups and downs of my life in Tokyo.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Where Do I Start, Where Do I Begin
Sunday morning I'm waking up
Can't even focus on a coffee cup
Don't even know whose bed I'm in
Where do I start
Where do I begin
(The Private Psychedelic Reel, The Chemical Brothers)
Each morning I wake up with the pain of my separation from the greatest love I have ever known. And each morning the pain is getting less. Today is the first morning I haven't cried first thing in the morning, though I am sure that that will come. I am immersed in the question: who am I? What am I doing with this life of mine? Now that I am separated from C, what is left of me? ... the tears have come now, those bitter, sweet, healing, tears. This grief which flows from my heart leaving space behind for new love to grow.
To feel rejected by the person I have loved with all my heart is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. To feel that I am not attractive enough, not man enough to retain her interest makes me question all that I am. It doesn't really matter anymore I suppose what her reasons or her feelings are, what matters is that I need to know how how I feel, how I act, what I want in this life. I am thinking of my life's soundtrack at the moment. Since I came to Japan I have lost some of my connection with music. C and I came together over our shared passion for the music of our early adolescence: the Cure, the Sisters of Mercy, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Joy Division, Bauhaus. The heartache in the songs matched our own heartache as we struggled to grow into adulthood. Both of us left these musicians long ago as more joyful lyrics sang us into a more joyful life. I return to them sometimes, to remind myself of how I felt as a teenager, to grieve to, to cry about my relationship with C. In the last few weeks as I grew to know in my heart what I refused to recognise in my conscious mind I have listened to them again and mourned the passing of something on which I have built my life. On which I have built my sense of self.
"Where do I start, where do I begin?" This lyric from the Chemical Brothers has been ringing in my ears lately as I try to sort out what is left of myself out of the emotional wreckage of my long term relationship.
Houses and gardens and children all loomed large for both of us a few years ago until finally C snapped and decided that she wanted to go back to uni and become an artist again. This firm rejection of what I had been dreaming about set in train a process of reevaluation of my own life in which I discovered how unhappy I was about dreaming myself into a stereotype. C and I have spent most of our time together being deeply depressed and we have spent most of our time together really stoned. In amongst all that our lives have been lived and they have been full lives but neither of us were happy with being slaves to a drug that only distorted and diminished our ability to face life full on. I think she is much more courageous than me. She quit smoking before me and seized hold of her Sydney artist dream while I continued to wallow in the emotional turmoil of my failed homoeopathy practice, my poverty and my lack of any clear idea of the line of march.
As much as I still don't want to admit it it seems obvious now that the relationship which has been a constant feature of my life since I began my journey into adulthood would change radically as the two of us wrestled with what it was to be adults. Being depressed together has meant that we both were able to avoid the question of who am I in favour of taking care of the other one. Maybe it is time, at this point in the piece to stop talking of 'us' and limit myself to my own experience. For the truth be told the deeply depressed girl that I knew has blossomed into a much more confident woman who is more than capable of taking care of herself. The truth is that I built a lot of my identity around taking care of her and in turn derived self-affirmation from the fact that I was the stable one. As she changed and stopped relying on me so much for emotional support I felt lost. I fought to retain the power I felt from being the dominant one in the relationship and as she grew stronger I lost the battle. It was a battle I had no desire to win. I would often recognise this feeling in myself and hate myself for it. To resent someone that you love for being happier and stronger is not a good place to be. I have watched myself try to undermine her as she struggled to be a better person even while at the same time I tried to support her. Of course, being human, she still needed emotional support and so I was able to continue to derive my identity in no small part from this ever shrinking window.
At the same time I began to create my own separate identity too and of course, in its turn this evoked a somewhat similar reaction in her. It has been a two-way battle for power and control which has exhausted the love we feel for one another and blinded us both to the unique individuality and strength of the other. In my case it blinded me to my own uniqueness, beauty and strength. Upon this foundation of continuing affection and love, mixed with powerful feelings of resentment, jealousy and the desire to escape it that we hatched a plan to live apart and see how we went as individuals. Not wanting to do things by halves only life on separate hemispheres would do.
This separation has had different effects on me. Part of me has struggled against it and tried to hold onto the old relationship we had. I have romanticised that relationship and created an image of it in my own mind which is far rosier than the reality actually was. I tend to forget the abandonment and isolation I felt even when we were in the same room. At the same time, the better part of me has used this opportunity to begin my search for myself. Constantly dogged by my own idealisation of her strength I have sought my own strength not because I wanted to but because I felt I had no choice. What I wanted to do most of the time was to sink back into it and give up and have Caitlin pick up the pieces.
When I was in Australia I was working all the time and made deeply unhappy by it but at least I had friends. I had old friends who understood me and supported me and new friends who not only gave me their love but gave me the opportunity to understand that I was in fact worthy and deserving of love. I think in the bitter struggle which my relationship with C had become I lost my sense of how amazing and wonderful I am. Her constant pulling away from me made me feel like this is all that I deserved. My friends made me realise that I was worthy of love for my own sake.
Then came Japan.
Since I arrived here all my fear, my anxiety have returned with a vengeance. Every day is an enormous struggle again. I don't have any close friends around me and so everything I do requires me to rely upon myself. I can't really rely on anyone to include me or think of me because they don't know me. This is starting to change. I have kept knocking at the doors until someone noticed I was there. Of course, I am so anxious that even when I do get to meet people I am not able to manifest my qualities fully. I hold back and my unhappiness comes through in my words, my posture and my actions. Somehow in spite of all the obstacles I have kept pushing out though and I feel like I have some friends now. I know that with time I will develop many more.
I have questioned all of the reasons that I came to Japan. I took a job here at an English conversation school in order to finance my vision of pursuing a life in Japan. Unfortunately I didn't fully appreciate how difficult it would be for me to cope in the corporate environment. I work for a large corporation and so my working environment is pretty much the opposite of what I desire! It is a struggle to get through the week and make it to the weekend when I can go out and experience the life I came here to experience. I can't decide whether it is worth the sacrifice of 5/7 of my time for the sake of 2/7 that I actually enjoy! To build a life here that can make me happy is going to take so long. I can't decide whether I am prepared to make the effort and whether it is worth it when I have such a good life back home. I miss my friends so much. I struggled so hard to build those relationships and so many of them are so new. I am really questioning whether I want to do without them for the sake of living overseas.
Then I think about my dreams! I dream such vivid dreams! It is my usual habit each day to construct a hundred castles in the air. I know that part of this is escapist but another part of it is just who I am. This life we know, this divided, alienated life-under-capitalism is not ideal. I dream of a better life for myself and for the people I love. I dream dreams of overseas study and involvement in political movements all over the world and a deep sense of connection with the revolutionary movements which seek to change it. I have heard so much about the joys of travel. Of how it helps people to find themselves. Of the freedom it brings. I am desperate to taste that. Coming to Japan was a bit like deciding to travel but it was bound up with the idea of building a life and ongoing connections which surely requires a more stable existence? Now I need to make some decisions about my life.
This great love I have known and do know is a part of who I am. Who I am will always in part be determined by the people with whom I share my life. It is in others that we see ourselves reflected. We learn from others, we compare ourselves with them, we experience their love and it gives us the strength to carry on the struggle. But the Chemical Brothers words seem to me to encapsulate an essential part of the question. Although we must of necessity build ourselves out of the people that we know and love it is our love of ourselves that must form the foundation. Where do I start, where do I begin? With myself - now, who is that?
Can't even focus on a coffee cup
Don't even know whose bed I'm in
Where do I start
Where do I begin
(The Private Psychedelic Reel, The Chemical Brothers)
Each morning I wake up with the pain of my separation from the greatest love I have ever known. And each morning the pain is getting less. Today is the first morning I haven't cried first thing in the morning, though I am sure that that will come. I am immersed in the question: who am I? What am I doing with this life of mine? Now that I am separated from C, what is left of me? ... the tears have come now, those bitter, sweet, healing, tears. This grief which flows from my heart leaving space behind for new love to grow.
To feel rejected by the person I have loved with all my heart is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. To feel that I am not attractive enough, not man enough to retain her interest makes me question all that I am. It doesn't really matter anymore I suppose what her reasons or her feelings are, what matters is that I need to know how how I feel, how I act, what I want in this life. I am thinking of my life's soundtrack at the moment. Since I came to Japan I have lost some of my connection with music. C and I came together over our shared passion for the music of our early adolescence: the Cure, the Sisters of Mercy, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Joy Division, Bauhaus. The heartache in the songs matched our own heartache as we struggled to grow into adulthood. Both of us left these musicians long ago as more joyful lyrics sang us into a more joyful life. I return to them sometimes, to remind myself of how I felt as a teenager, to grieve to, to cry about my relationship with C. In the last few weeks as I grew to know in my heart what I refused to recognise in my conscious mind I have listened to them again and mourned the passing of something on which I have built my life. On which I have built my sense of self.
"Where do I start, where do I begin?" This lyric from the Chemical Brothers has been ringing in my ears lately as I try to sort out what is left of myself out of the emotional wreckage of my long term relationship.
Houses and gardens and children all loomed large for both of us a few years ago until finally C snapped and decided that she wanted to go back to uni and become an artist again. This firm rejection of what I had been dreaming about set in train a process of reevaluation of my own life in which I discovered how unhappy I was about dreaming myself into a stereotype. C and I have spent most of our time together being deeply depressed and we have spent most of our time together really stoned. In amongst all that our lives have been lived and they have been full lives but neither of us were happy with being slaves to a drug that only distorted and diminished our ability to face life full on. I think she is much more courageous than me. She quit smoking before me and seized hold of her Sydney artist dream while I continued to wallow in the emotional turmoil of my failed homoeopathy practice, my poverty and my lack of any clear idea of the line of march.
As much as I still don't want to admit it it seems obvious now that the relationship which has been a constant feature of my life since I began my journey into adulthood would change radically as the two of us wrestled with what it was to be adults. Being depressed together has meant that we both were able to avoid the question of who am I in favour of taking care of the other one. Maybe it is time, at this point in the piece to stop talking of 'us' and limit myself to my own experience. For the truth be told the deeply depressed girl that I knew has blossomed into a much more confident woman who is more than capable of taking care of herself. The truth is that I built a lot of my identity around taking care of her and in turn derived self-affirmation from the fact that I was the stable one. As she changed and stopped relying on me so much for emotional support I felt lost. I fought to retain the power I felt from being the dominant one in the relationship and as she grew stronger I lost the battle. It was a battle I had no desire to win. I would often recognise this feeling in myself and hate myself for it. To resent someone that you love for being happier and stronger is not a good place to be. I have watched myself try to undermine her as she struggled to be a better person even while at the same time I tried to support her. Of course, being human, she still needed emotional support and so I was able to continue to derive my identity in no small part from this ever shrinking window.
At the same time I began to create my own separate identity too and of course, in its turn this evoked a somewhat similar reaction in her. It has been a two-way battle for power and control which has exhausted the love we feel for one another and blinded us both to the unique individuality and strength of the other. In my case it blinded me to my own uniqueness, beauty and strength. Upon this foundation of continuing affection and love, mixed with powerful feelings of resentment, jealousy and the desire to escape it that we hatched a plan to live apart and see how we went as individuals. Not wanting to do things by halves only life on separate hemispheres would do.
This separation has had different effects on me. Part of me has struggled against it and tried to hold onto the old relationship we had. I have romanticised that relationship and created an image of it in my own mind which is far rosier than the reality actually was. I tend to forget the abandonment and isolation I felt even when we were in the same room. At the same time, the better part of me has used this opportunity to begin my search for myself. Constantly dogged by my own idealisation of her strength I have sought my own strength not because I wanted to but because I felt I had no choice. What I wanted to do most of the time was to sink back into it and give up and have Caitlin pick up the pieces.
When I was in Australia I was working all the time and made deeply unhappy by it but at least I had friends. I had old friends who understood me and supported me and new friends who not only gave me their love but gave me the opportunity to understand that I was in fact worthy and deserving of love. I think in the bitter struggle which my relationship with C had become I lost my sense of how amazing and wonderful I am. Her constant pulling away from me made me feel like this is all that I deserved. My friends made me realise that I was worthy of love for my own sake.
Then came Japan.
Since I arrived here all my fear, my anxiety have returned with a vengeance. Every day is an enormous struggle again. I don't have any close friends around me and so everything I do requires me to rely upon myself. I can't really rely on anyone to include me or think of me because they don't know me. This is starting to change. I have kept knocking at the doors until someone noticed I was there. Of course, I am so anxious that even when I do get to meet people I am not able to manifest my qualities fully. I hold back and my unhappiness comes through in my words, my posture and my actions. Somehow in spite of all the obstacles I have kept pushing out though and I feel like I have some friends now. I know that with time I will develop many more.
I have questioned all of the reasons that I came to Japan. I took a job here at an English conversation school in order to finance my vision of pursuing a life in Japan. Unfortunately I didn't fully appreciate how difficult it would be for me to cope in the corporate environment. I work for a large corporation and so my working environment is pretty much the opposite of what I desire! It is a struggle to get through the week and make it to the weekend when I can go out and experience the life I came here to experience. I can't decide whether it is worth the sacrifice of 5/7 of my time for the sake of 2/7 that I actually enjoy! To build a life here that can make me happy is going to take so long. I can't decide whether I am prepared to make the effort and whether it is worth it when I have such a good life back home. I miss my friends so much. I struggled so hard to build those relationships and so many of them are so new. I am really questioning whether I want to do without them for the sake of living overseas.
Then I think about my dreams! I dream such vivid dreams! It is my usual habit each day to construct a hundred castles in the air. I know that part of this is escapist but another part of it is just who I am. This life we know, this divided, alienated life-under-capitalism is not ideal. I dream of a better life for myself and for the people I love. I dream dreams of overseas study and involvement in political movements all over the world and a deep sense of connection with the revolutionary movements which seek to change it. I have heard so much about the joys of travel. Of how it helps people to find themselves. Of the freedom it brings. I am desperate to taste that. Coming to Japan was a bit like deciding to travel but it was bound up with the idea of building a life and ongoing connections which surely requires a more stable existence? Now I need to make some decisions about my life.
This great love I have known and do know is a part of who I am. Who I am will always in part be determined by the people with whom I share my life. It is in others that we see ourselves reflected. We learn from others, we compare ourselves with them, we experience their love and it gives us the strength to carry on the struggle. But the Chemical Brothers words seem to me to encapsulate an essential part of the question. Although we must of necessity build ourselves out of the people that we know and love it is our love of ourselves that must form the foundation. Where do I start, where do I begin? With myself - now, who is that?
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